Making A Difference

One of the primary symptoms of schizophrenia that I have experienced was a decreased ability to tell reality from fantasy. I had an entire alternate reality that I had created. It was just as in depth and extensive as my true reality. I'm not sure where or when this belief in a false reality began. What I don know is that media would influence my perception of my existence. I believed that movies and songs were made about me. I remember very specifically thinking the movie Fight Club was about me. The relationship between the man and woman in that movie represented the relationship I believed I had with Madonna.
I had quite a few famous friends. I was an artist in this self created reality. And I associated largely with other artists. Madonna was one of my very closest friends. I even believed she had at one time asked me to marry her. I chose not to because it would have derailed my military career. All of the famous artists I knew regarded me highly. I sang and wrote music as well as paint. And that was not all. I had taught myself how to play the drums, violin, trumpet and guitar. I taught myself how to paint and I think the only art I had any instruction is was martial arts.
My life as an artist culminated when I went out on tour. I called this tour I did when I was 21 the Blast Tour. I traveled around the country playing music. I remember that I had promoted the tour and then at the last minute decided not to do it. A few of the attendees of my first show came to my  home and picked me up. They brought me out to the event and the tour began. The tour was a great success. I made exactly as much money as I had intended to. I think it was $50,000. I also won a grammy award that year.
It was hard for me to see that this had never happened. And although I did have doubts at times I clung to this belief. I did eventually realize that I had been delusional. I have since been doing far better as a person both professionally and socially than I had for about 10 years. Its hard to have lost so much time to a twisted reality caused by a mental illness. I in part grieve the loss of those years. I am however empowered by this horrible experience as well. I know there are many out there who are walking in the same shoes I did. It is my mission to make a difference in those people's lives.