Friday, November 30, 2012

Recovery Is Possible

In my hardest times I believed I could or likely would be tortured. The delusions of schizophrenia even led me to believe that I could not even escape this through suicide. This was because I thought certain people had the power to bring others back to life. I believed if  I committed suicide I would be brought back to life only to be tortured.
I believed people had other powers as well. I thought I myself could travel through time and fly. I used my ability to go back in time to teach Adolf Hitler, Napolean Bonaparte and Miyamoto Musashi how to be great warriors. My power of flight was not so reliable. My times that I did fly were infrequent; and I could not predict when or where this ability would be available.
I look back now at how far gone my mind was and wonder how I've come so far. My recovery is in my mind truly astonishing. I now have a grip on reality a mighty step in its own right. I am also now a published writer. This is without the benefit of a college degree. I say this because I want others to know that they do have something to hope for. I want my writing to be evidence that recovery is possible.

Taking A Day Off

I took the day off from writing yesterday. I can be hard on myself at times. Yesterday I made a point in reminding myself that my work on the blog is good and that it helps people. I feel renewed today. The time off was well spent.
Today I am reminded that writing isn't a competition. I believe the challenge in writing is to feel free to express yourself as you are. It is this way that you will write well. I tend to be just a bit focused on relevant matters in my writing. Writing at its best is mutually beneficial to the reader and writer.
I have in writing this blog healed myself. I was until I began publishing this blog a very private person. I would be described as reserved. I rarely expressed to anyone how I felt or personal issues. I suffered from bottling up all my heat ache and it manifested its self negatively.
I've shared many stories on this blog that previously I had kept secret. I have a deeper more open relationship with my family as they read all of my articles. They know better what my experiences have been, with mental illness and otherwise. It was very important that I get out all that I have.
I want to comment in closing on a recent article I wrote. I mentioned in this article that I wanted to not get complacent. I was referring to writing for this blog as not quite demanding as much from me as I wanted. I still have mixed feelings about this. I do feel good about what I am doing as I said at the beginning of this article. I also feel I could take on more.
I will try to have all my work from this blog published into a book in 6 months. I have a friend in publishing and I'm 99% sure I will get this done. After that 6 months I am going to try to get a job. I will ideally work as a peer specialist. I believe that having a book published will add tremendously to my credibility. Thereby improving my chances of finding my desired work.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Chip On My Shoulder

I was at one time admitted to a hospital in Rutland, VT. In the admission I told a worker that I had been a Marine Corps general since the age of 14. This was the first time I had told anyone this. In my stay the doctors did not really ask me much of my experience as a general. At one point I mentioned to my case manager that I had had a stressful life. She responded as if I never mentioned that I had been a general; and expressed she did not understand what my sources of stress may be. I felt estranged from my treatment.
I was discharged without the doctors having any idea of my circumstances or why I even admitted myself in the first place. I first went to the hospital in a time that I was otherwise considering getting put in jail. In the discharge meeting my case manager said that she and the doctor understood that I thought I needed to be punished for being a war criminal. They believed that the reason I wanted to be in jail was because I believed I should be punished. It was instead because I didn't feel safe.
I think one of the most difficult things in having a mental illness is dealing with inadequate treatment. It seems as though health care professionals have not a clue about how a person is to recover from a mental illness. This is in part due to sciences lack of understanding of the mind and psychology. It is also in part that often these health care professionals do not know the individual patients from a whole in the wall.
It's o.k. to have some bitterness about the treatment you've received. It is better to be angry than indifferent. It means you have processed much of your journey in recovery. I think a person who feels angry will also identify with their diagnosis. Leaving behind denial brings with it mixed emotions. As you begin to feel as though you understand what you are going through you'll perceive your past experiences in recovery more clearly. You'll know how things could have been dealt with better.
I feel motivated by my anger. I would not write this blog if I thought all the treatment I received was beneficial to me. I feel proud that in spite of all the short comings of the health care provided to me that I have prevailed. I feel lucky that I eventually did get the attention I needed. Go out there into the world with a chip on you shoulder. Let it be your inspiration.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Making Friends

I have had an all around good day today. I've been active. My activities of the day include writing an article I'm proud of earlier this morning and going to a support group. I've not lost a game of chess yet today. I believe most importantly I have made a new friend.
I always like meeting new people, especially when they're interesting. I have made a few friendships with people since moving into my new apartment. Today I met a girl, she and I played a game of chess together. She seems smart and is new to town.
I was able to talk with her while we waited for a chess set to be available for use. I told her of the local chess club. She told me that she is an art curator. I was glad to be able to help her with getting to know the Brattleboro community. I believe that we could be good friends.

March On

It's easy sometimes to just continue doing as we already are. We become comfortable with our lives as we know them and fail to see we must continue to move forward. Complacence is the enemy of passion. We have to continually put one foot in front of the other. This may sometimes be in spite of the fact that we like our current mode of living.
I recently left my former group home. That brought with it new possibilities and experiences. I gained new perspective in taking on this challenge. I now feel I'm well adjusted to my living circumstances. It is time for me to look for new opportunities. I must march on.
I would like to work as a peer specialist. I have already volunteered as a peer specialist facilitating fitness groups. I have also applied to receive funding for a writing group. This would as well be volunteer work. I would like to one day work full time as a peer specialist on a paid basis.
The idea of having a full time position is bitter sweet. It would be great to have a good job. I will however, miss being able to remain focused on writing. Publishing this blog has been a wonderful experience that I will always treasure. I think that I would one day return to writing and have even greater stories and lessons to share from having taken on the new challenges I face today.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Distant Rose

distant rose
so pure, so lovely
you hold such great majesty
as you alone
have me travel so far
i want to witness your beauty

distant rose
one day we will meet
i will kneel before you
and waft your fragrance in my face
it is not without you
that my purpose and life are one

distant rose
i pulse and breathe
that one day you'll be close at hand
i know not what i seek but you
you guide me

distant rose
to breathe you in
is all i care to do
to know your beauty
i will not be discouraged
that we will one day meet

distant rose
you make me whole
it is your beauty and fragrance
i can't be without
even from afar
you call to me
as if i were meant to know you

distant rose
you are my heart and my soul
i march on
to know you in all your glory
and so you can live on through me

Chosen to Believe

Belief is a powerful component of the recovery process. We must choose to believe that our lives can be fruitful and rewarding. I say we must choose to believe because it is often a difficult choice to make. It takes patience and determination to have belief when times are hard.
I have had many instances in my recovery in which it would have been easy to give up. It seemed as though I could do nothing right. There was at best only the slightest belief that one day all would be better. I chose to hold on to what belief I had. I needed help holding on to it at times. I may have needed to be hospitalized to be safe or just receive words of encouragement.
I have now made my life better. I believe that there is still much for me to do. I now know I have what it takes to accomplish great things. I have taken a terrible affliction (schizophrenia) and turned it into a positive. My recovery has taught me that I am resilient and courageous. These qualities will serve me in the future just as they have in the past. I have chosen to believe.

Tomorrow's Shade

tomorrow's shade
cast today
yet tomorrow and tomorrow
will always be tomorrow
in a shady way
it is today
and today will never be tomorrow
and we'll waste away
savoring the day
for all that there is tomorrow
can wait and wait
until tomorrow

Just Below The Surface

When I was a child I took a trip to a remote part of Vermont. We had friends there who had a cabin by a pond. I believe the pond's name was Newark Pond however, I'm unsure. It was a beautiful location. There were loons and a small island. I was a child in paradise.
I took on the trip a snorkel, mask and fins. In the late afternoon I went out snorkeling from the friend's neighbor's dock. I swam out into the pond about 35 yards. The water out that far was at least 25' deep, as I recall. In the depths of the water I made a discovery.
There was a massive boulder of which it rose to a fraction of an inch from the water's surface. I was able to stand on it and appear as though I was standing on the water's surface. I was proud for having made this discovery. I felt as if I had just set foot on a distant planet or discovered an ancient civilization.
What lays hidden to the eye is sometimes quite remarkable. We can often miss out on seeing the beauty and positivity in our world. I recommend keeping an eye out for good you may encounter. You may even want to make notes of the positivity you see in the world (I am going to try this myself.) In time and with practice you will develop a more positive outlook. This positive outlook will manifest its self in a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Radio

This is a follow up article to one I wrote on music. In the preceding article I wrote that I wanted to expand from my current taste in music. I was at the time considering developing an interest in a different genre of music. I considered the blues and classical music. I've done neither of these.
What I have done is begin listening to a local "public access" radio station. I now listen to this radio station exclusively. They play a much wider variety of music than on my previously preferred stations. I can listen to country, jazz, hip hop or classical and the list goes on. There are no commercials either. It is great to live in a community that has this available.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

New Year's Resolution

Now that I have thanksgiving behind me I'm ready to usher in the new year. I had a wonderful 2012. This past year I made a lot of progress in my recovery. I was able to let go of delusions I previously held and with it paranoia. I also quit smoking cigarettes. And am now able to afford to live on my own. Let's not forget that I got my start in writing in 2012.
I want to build off of my successes from 2012 in 2013. I am very focused on writing currently and it would be great to develop in that pursuit in the next year. It is with this in mind that I have decided on my new year's resolution. In 2013 I will try to read poetry everyday all year long. In addition to being good for me as a writer. I think doing this will help me develop a wise mind.
Poetry cuts deep into human consciousness. I think reading and writing poetry will aid me in understanding life and all that makes it so wonderful. I think I do now perceive the beauty that gives life all its wonder. I want to continue searching my soul. I know that I will learn to perceive the world and all life that inhabits it with even greater appreciation.

Chess and Writing

I play chess. I studied the game of chess while living in a group home. I'm quite good now and I have a number of chess buddies. Writing or blogging is a newer hobby of mine than chess. It is great for your mind, similarly to chess. It takes time to learn to do it well just like chess. I find it to be rewarding and fun.
In addition to publishing this blog, I write poetry. I began writing poetry to take part in an open mic event. I thought that doing this event would be a great way to meet new people. I am beginning to make "writer friends" the same as I have chess friends. I took over a year to learn to play chess. I would like to give similar attention to writing.
I have never been to college. I have attempted to be self educated. I find that studying things you can practice like chess and writing to be a crucial part of independent learning. I think that there is a lot to be learned from living. I see practices like chess and writing to improve your learning curve. You can learn to gather understanding and knowledge from your life experiences through these two practices.



Friday, November 23, 2012

Learning In Life

In my early childhood I would sometimes be described as overactive. I often gave my teachers trouble with my exuberance. I was always happy to be outdoors. I didn't do so well in structured environments that demanded that I stay still for very long. It took time for me to grow out of this phase in my life. I did eventually learn to manage and use my enthusiasm well.
I have used my energy in a number of pursuits. They include skiing, biking and chess. I taught skiing in my late teens and early 20's. I was gung-ho on having a good career as a skier. I worked very hard at it and my work was paying off. I was respected by my peers and received high marks from the customers. Chess and biking came later in life. I started really being interested in these two pursuits at a former group home (47 Main St.) I am now a good chess player and have done a number of 100 mile single day bike rides.
I am now a little older and a little wiser. I do not think that I wasted energy on my former pursuits. I still love chess and am very glad I have done 100 mile bike rides. I feel like my 30's have given me some perspective I didn't have before. I have experienced the setbacks and failures of mismanaging a mental illness. This turned me on to a whole new avenue for me to pour myself into.
I am now invested in making a difference as a mentor and advocate for the mentally ill. I know how much better I could have been prepared to deal with schizophrenia. I want to help people take steps forward in their recovery. I know there is not a greater contribution to society that I can make. This pursuit is important and meaningful to me. I feel as though it is what I was meant to do.

Holiday Tradition

This morning I took part in an old family tradition. I went with my folks to get this year's christmas tree. We traveled out to the same tree farm we have been going to since I was about 5. It is not exactly close by. We don't go their for the convenience or for their prices. Honestly, I don't know why we started going there. The fact is that we have been going there now for almost 30 years.
I can remember many years ago before I had schizophrenia. I can remember going to this tree farm where they have lamas. The whole family went together. I can remember years where the snow was deep and the air was frosty. I remember going there with my sister. My favorite part of going to the tree farm as a child was drinking the hot apple cider. They still serve it free of charge and it is delicious.
I've grown up a lot in the years since we started going to that tree farm. In past years I have not always been able to make the trip. Last year at this time I was in a psych hospital. It is for this reason I am especially glad I could go this year. Getting the family christmas tree is a simple yet meaningful holiday tradition for many families. I can go there now and see how the years have taught me all that they have. I now appreciate the tradition and time spent with my family more than the apple cider.

Active Lifestyle

When I began this blog exercise and nutrition were my top priority in life. I was training almost everyday. I mostly worked out with kettlebells but ran as well. It was by the time I started this blog that I got down to 175 lbs. I had lost a total of 18 lbs since leaving the hospital. I was lean and strong.
My attention has shifted away form diet and exercise. I do however, walk a lot and maintain my body weight at 175 lbs. I now only work out with my kettlebells a few times a week. Usually for about 20 to 30 minutes each time. I am still happy that I have maintained my healthy weight. My physical health is important to me and I like staying active.
It is important to be active and we must be mindful of this. It is alright to have periods in which you are more or less active. Exercise does not always have to be top priority. It is important however, that we don't allow ourselves to become sedentary. An active lifestyle not only promotes good health; it provide a source of positive self-esteem and can be enjoyable.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

You Are Not Alone

That I'm home for Thanksgiving I'm able to reflect on my recovery process. I can go to different places that have had some significance to my journey. I am able to see these places with new eyes. They are the eyes that have weathered a storm. They are wise eyes. I can see myself being in these places as I was at those times. I have compassion for that young man. I can understand how he was feeling and see why he took each step he did.
In going to these places I can see myself as a younger man. I was out at a peninsula where I once cut my wrist to attempt suicide. I saw myself being in that place now 5 years ago and wish I could have a talk with him. I would tell him that it is o.k. to fail. That life is a process of absorbing bumps and bruises; and if we give ourselves time we do see better things come our way. I would tell my younger self you are not alone.
I can't go back in time to tell myself what I needed to learn. I am not sure I would have listened. We need to experience failure. I think some need to experience more failure than others. I don't honestly know why. I do know that I am now better for having experienced my failures and setbacks. I am proud to have overcome the adversity I have. And maybe we need to see ourselves in this light of having dealt with difficulty. It is seeing ourselves overcome the obstacles that laid ahead of us that allows us to see that we are not alone.

Giving Back

I took a train home for thanksgiving yesterday. It is the first time I've been to my parents house since June 27th of 2011. I was nervous about coming home. It is a reminder of how hard times in my life have been. It was on June 27th of 2011 that I was arrested to eventually be hospitalized for the last time. This trip has pushed me to look at what I am doing both as a writer and as a survivor of schizophrenia.
June 27th was the darkest hour in my life. I had been battling schizophrenia for a while by that time. I had had ups and downs. My symptoms lingered and festered for years. The paranoia would occasionally affect me enough to where I would admit myself in hospitals. These times were interspersed with times that I seemed to be doing well. The feelings that I wasn't safe slowly got stronger.
On June 27th I had a major breakdown. It would lead me to see that I had a problem. This step of acceptance marks a major turning point in my recovery. I stopped all that I was doing and focused on getting better. I am now living without symptoms and am have a good life.
I know first hand how desperate schizophrenia can make someone feel. I know how important it is that I share my story. I am doing what I can to help others with mental illnesses. The act of helping others helps heal the wounds left on my spirit by schizophrenia. It allows me to look back on June 27th of 2011 with the knowledge that what I have done since has been good. I need to use the experiences I've had and turn them into a positive.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

150 Posts and Counting

This is my 150th blog post. I am very happy with my work and I know I am helping people. I have in the process of writing all these articles considered discontinuing publishing. In each of these times I was prompted to continue. Whether it was from simply sitting down and pouring my heart out to write an especially good article; or if it was from receiving good feedback on what I was doing. I kept writing.
I have now far exceeded the expectations I had for myself when I began Breathe. It has been a journey of personal exploration. In this journey I have found purpose. I have discovered how I can contribute to society in a way that is fun and fulfilling. This blog is now important to me at least as much as it may be to any of my readers.
I am going to continue to write and I will try to write often. I may at times take days or even weeks between writing articles. I am almost skeptical in my ability to continue my current rate of publishing. I will however, continue to write. There are likely to be some guest posts on occasion. My goal for this blog is that it would be a resource that people find to be helpful and interesting.

Stand United

Last year at this time I was receiving treatment at a psych hospital. I was very delusional. The symptoms of schizophrenia were as bad as they had ever been. I was to be released from the hospital to a nearby group home (Meadowview). A court ordered that I reside at Meadowview, to be discharged from the hospital. It was at Meadowview that I first was able to interact with peer specialists.
I have made a remarkable turn around in this past year. I worked hard to make the progress that I have. However, I must mention the importance and significance of the peer specialists I was able to work with. At Meadowview there were two employees who had bouts with mental illnesses. They both encouraged me and counseled me in my recovery. My outlook on living with a mental illness is markedly different from having worked with them.
The role of peers is vital in facilitating a persons recovery. It is often times ignored by health care providers. I was diagnosed in 2007 and did not know such a thing as a peer specialist existed until December of 2011. In this time I had been in 4 different hospitals and 2 other group homes. I know I would not be doing what I am today if I had not interacted with any peers on a professional level.
Unfortunately not everyone can interact with peer specialists on a daily basis as I did. You must not allow this to deter you. Know that this aspect of your recovery is important and seek involvement with your peers. If it is by going to groups that is fine. If you just meet with a friend that is dealing with a mental illness do this very regularly. Try to even schedule your meetings for a specific time and day(s).
I am personally going to try to make my opinion on this issue known. I will write letters and see if I can get this story published outside this blog. I recommend speaking with mental health professionals on this issue. If we all stand united on this point we can make a difference.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Not In My Right Mind

My life has been profoundly effected by schizophrenia. I believe that I started experiencing symptoms in my late teens. This is common among males. I was able to function well through to my early 20's. I had some difficulties with keeping work. I was however successful in my skiing career. I am unclear now as to how much responsibility I should take for decisions I made as a young adult and how they adversely effect me now.
I feel like I sabotaged my life late in my adolescence. I had run ins with the law and showed no interest in school. I sometimes wonder as to how much of the difficulty I am currently experiencing is due to my illness. It instead could be at least partially due to the amount of irresponsibility I demonstrated when I was younger. 
The lines between my illness and my own mistakes are not clear to me. I believe that they are not entirely separate. The end result is still the same regardless of whether I am at fault for my failures and shortcomings. The illness had some effect on me as an adolescent. I am still responsible for myself, although, this responsibility seems to be buffered by the fact that I am ill.
I am in part disheartened by the fact that this buffer of responsibility exists. I would like to know that I always understood what I was doing. I did not however always know what I was doing and I haven't always been in my right mind. It is difficult to accept this. This "buffer" gives me an alien feeling of not being whole. I feel as if I am almost less of a person. I want instead to live with the regret of making the mistakes I have. Instead of just passing blame onto an illness.

World of Opportunity

Last night I recited poetry at an open mic event. This was the third time I recited my poetry to a crowed. I began doing this to meet new people and have discovered that it is quite fun. I like being a part of the local writer's scene that I get from doing open mic events. As opposed to just writing for my blog which is a little isolative.
The first 2 times that I recited my poetry I was extremely nervous. I almost backed out. Reading your creative writing to a crowed makes you feel very vulnerable and is not easy. This last time I felt confident. I was able to read my pieces clearly, enunciating each word. I've stepped outside my comfort zone and it has been a valuable experience.
We all can stand to gain from stepping outside our box. I have found a new source of confidence in reciting poetry. And I am making friends with people I would never have gotten to know otherwise. Live without fear of the unknown and you will see a world of opportunity.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sunshine Leads to Night

Tomorrow's sun born from night
night time stars twinkle against black
cold night, sunny day
forever gone
whatever begins surrenders to the past

our hearts yearn
today we burn for what is gone
and so the winds of change will not blow today

memories
faded experiences and years gone by
tomorrow ends
and today lasts just for a day

weak moments
shattered into the future
pieces laying around
assemble them, remember them
so those moments
were not experienced in vein
sunshine leads to night

Giving of Myself

I don't have much in the way of possessions or money. I am able to live well off of the little I have. I have enough to enjoy the company of friends at a coffee shop. I can also catch a movie from time to time. My total income is less than $1000/m. I am managing to see the positive that can come from this situation. It brings me hope that I am and will continue to have all that I could ever want.
I think I am fortunate to have what I do. I have all the necessities and can be true to my heart. This is its self a truly great treasure. I believe in my heart I am called to make use of my experience with schizophrenia to be a writer. My life has been tremendously impacted by this illness and I feel my work as a writer is thus important.
In writing of my experiences with schizophrenia I am giving of myself. This is important to me. I feel that I am much better off this way than if I were to fulfill a desire for material possessions. I am sharing something positive with the world. This makes me am happy and proud.

Distress Tolerance

Yesterday started off pretty slow for me. I was dragging a little. I tried doing things to pick myself up but with little success. There are times when we get stuck in a rut. We often can pick ourselves up out of it but sometimes we have to ride it out. I have learned that it is helpful to be able to accept the hard times and not always rush to fix it. This is called distress tolerance.
Eventually my day did turn around. It was not until the afternoon and I had been up since 4 am. I had to stay with this dragging feeling for a while. I tried going to cafes to write. I tried reading. I eventually just laid down in bed and waited for the mood to pass.
Later that day a friend called me up. We met for a community meal at 1:30 pm; and played chess for a while afterwards. I even got him to a local venue that shows art. I thought he could showcase some of his stuff there. We brought prints of his art to the venue (Equilibrium) and showed them to the owner. My day turned around.
Feelings are usually short lived. I was able to have a pretty good day, I just had to be patient. We can sometimes slip into longer more sustained patterns of sadness, anger and so on. And so it is important that we note what is going on inside us and seek support as is necessary.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Breaking Chains

It is often the case that the hardest part of doing something is taking that first step. This was true of my morning. It was about 8:30 a.m. and I had been up since 4:00. I had already written, had breakfast, showered and so on. I still had an hour and a half  before the library opened. I was looking around my room as if I had nothing to do. I picked up a book of short stories and read one of its passages. It was a great story.
As time goes by and we neglect something in our lives we develop what is called inertia. We become resistant to doing something after a period of putting it off. This often happens with exercise. Inertia begins small, just like it was for me this morning, when I felt I had nothing to do. It slowly builds up until the resistance we demonstrate towards a particular interest or activity becomes immense.
I have a lot of inertia around developing female companionship. I have no problem talking to girls but lack the confidence to take the next step. The inertia I've developed has built up over an entire decade. It was about 10 years ago now that my symptoms of schizophrenia influenced me to withdraw from social interaction. It is very difficult for me now to get past the self imposed walls I have put up around developing intimacy. I am slowly making progress and will not give up hope.
It is best to keep a watchful eye when it comes to inertia. If you notice time go by without exercise, make a point to get out there. Inertia is entirely in our own perception and this perception becomes more and more distorted as time passes. Once we have taken the first step it is as if we have nothing to lose. We break the chains that previously held us back.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Need Not Be Arrogant

I am a very determined person. This determination of mine has aided my recovery tremendously. It is only just behind humility in how it has helped deal with schizophrenia. It is humility that has put me in a place in which I can ask for and receive help.
It is unfortunate that determination often brings with it a bit of arrogance. If we feel we are capable on our own to take on whatever be in our path, we then will not likely ask for help. This is a mistake.
It takes a strong person to move forward in life and recovery. It takes an even stronger person to absorb a setback and ask for help the next time they're in trouble. This is why I say you need only to be as determined as you may before it brings with it arrogance.

Hearts May Wander

Life is not lived along a straight line. There are twists and turns, setbacks and failures. We venture off into adulthood not knowing of how our lives will unfold. Often hurdles lay in our paths that can not be easily navigated. In these times we are thrown off course, we take a detour. Though these detours slow us down, they allow us a different perspective on the landscape that is our lives.

A heart may wander but only when it is to free a mind.

It is these detours in life that engage the human spirit. We will often have to take on difficult situations that require we draw upon courage and support. These times however unpleasant at the time, teach us valuable lessons. We grow and learn to appreciate the good times.
Schizophrenia came to me as a monumental detour. It has shaped me over the past 10 years. And now shown me that I am to fulfill a much different role than I anticipated. I believe that often people will not overcome obstacles in their path until they see what they stand to gain in taking the necessary steps.
Naturally overcoming a hurdle like schizophrenia does not happen over night. I could not have turned around after being diagnosed and say I will learn from this experience and one day share what I have learned. I had to go through denial and bitterness.
However, once I was ready to proceed to come out of this difficult period in my life, it became a very simple task. I took what I needed from this experience and allowed myself to live accordingly. Hearts of people wander because those people are yet to be prepared to get what they want out of life. It is however, often the difficulties and hardships that lead us to discover what we really need.

Positive Past

It has been just over 2 weeks since I left my former group home (Meadowview.) I lived at Meadowview for just under a year. In that time I formed friendships and progressed in my recovery. Although I am glad to put Meadowview behind me, I honestly miss the place.
I miss tossing a football in the back yard. I haven't thrown a ball since I left. I developed some really good relationships at Meadowview. They will never be replaced. I came to Meadowview at the tail end of a dark period in my life. There I received the help I needed to both manage my symptoms and flourish as an adult. I'm grateful to have been a part of the Meadowview community.
Time passes and as it does we march on. There are times in our lives that we have to leave behind things that are important to us. These times are often bitter sweet. I will always look to my time at Meadowview as a positive experience.
I now will put in place new relationships that are meaningful. There are many positive experiences on the road ahead. I must pursued them, otherwise, the positive memories of my past will have been made in vein.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is now just a week away. In this time of the year families get together, eat good food and enjoy each others company. There will be turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce (my personal favorite.) This year Thanksgiving has special or particular meaning to me. I am very thankful for all that I have and have accomplished.
The last 2 years have been truly remarkable. They say the sun begins to rise just after the darkest hour of night. That has been exactly my experience. I was at my very worst in 2011. It was my "darkest hour."  2012 has been in stark contrast to 2011, one of my very best years.
In a way I needed to come up on hard times as I did in 2011. I had to do this to get the treatment I really needed. I also needed to see for myself that change in my life was necessary. I could not go any further in life without this realization. Schizophrenia impacted my life to this point and not a minute too soon.
I've changed my life this past year. I made this change because it was necessary. I am thankful that I had the opportunity and support I needed to make this change. I am a new person and feel blessed in this time of Thanksgiving.

Tree of Inspiration

I went on a hike with a friend of mine. We hiked to a beautiful mountain top that overlooked Brattleboro. It being mid November the air was cool. The sun peaked out through moderate cloud cover periodically throughout our hike. It was a truly lovely adventure.
The way up the mountain gave me time to reflect on how I'm living. I thought about my writing and hoped this hike would be a source of inspiration. Meanwhile I was enjoying the company and conversation of my friend. He and I play chess at a local coffee shop quite often.
It was just as I began thinking that the hike might not yield the inspiration I hoped it would. I saw a massive boulder partially imbedded in the earth. Growing from this boulder was a tree. It was my source of inspiration. It's presence on the rock was striking. It was healthy and it grew out of the most inhospitable circumstances. This tree reminded me of how persistent life can be.
A mental illness is no different from that rock. It is not often you see trees growing out of large rocks as I did today. It is also not often we hear about people who are living with a mental illness and are doing well. When people or trees triumph and live under difficult circumstances they have a quality about them that is unique and wonderful. They inspire.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why I Write

I live off of social security and food stamps. I have schizophrenia. I've been fired from more jobs than I can even count. I don't understand why I have had so much trouble keeping work. I am a motivated and strong person. I try hard at being a good worker.
I remember being 22 living in a small college town. I was a bus boy in a restaraunt. They fired me for putting too much chocolate syrup in the milkshakes and serving only large sodas. I gave up at being able to work right then and there.
It was at this point in my life that I began to be consumed by symptoms of my illness. I eventually went back to the workforce but only intermittently. My illness and my recovery took the place of having a job.
Now, 10 years after I was fired from the restaraunt, I am a writer. I still do not work. I am consumed, not by symptoms of schizophrenia, but by my desire to share. I want to share what my recovery experience has taught me. I want to share my story.
I need to write. I would otherwise feel as though I was a drain on society. I'm well aware of the fact that many people out there think people, like myself, are what is wrong with this country. They think those of us who can't work should not receive public assistance.
I want to be an asset to society, so I write. It's simply the best I can do. I believe my work is important. And I don't think I'm a drain on society. It took a long time for me to see it that way.

Magnificent Journey

An affliction like schizophrenia can nearly ruin a person. The operative word being nearly. It is possible to recover. This is something I know from experience. I believed that I had a rat in my brain for 10 years. I suffered from paranoia and was not able to be responsible for myself.
I am now a much different person than I was prior to being afflicted with schizophrenia. I am able to do anything another adult can do and more. This disease has taught me how valuable life is. And how valuable I am as an individual.
I learned this from picking myself up, dusting my self off and continuing on my journey. I had to do this many times. I learned the value of life from receiving love and support that went well beyond my own expectations as well. My journey to recovery has put me in a place that I hold dear.
I'm thankful for my recovery experience and all that it has taught me. I know what I have achieved is far greater than any setback I have ever experienced. I want to in publishing this blog offer hope to those dealing with a mental illness. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it illuminates a landscape that is truly magnificent.

Responsibility to Write

Those of you that read my blog daily have noticed that I haven't written in a few days. This is because I'm unsure of how to proceed. I have written over 130 articles for Breathe and believe each and every article serves a purpose. I do not want to continue writing unless it is with reason.
This morning I called my parents. My mother told me a story of how someone she knows has been impacted by my writing. This reader goes to a support group with my mom that is for families of people who experience mental illness. The reader described to the group, my blog, as a life line.
This story re-shapes my view of what I am accomplishing in publishing Breathe. I have had awful experiences with schizophrenia and I am now doing quite well. I believe that it is my responsibility to share from these experiences and not a privilege.
Still I have done much of what I can as a writer, temporarily. I will continue to write as I become aware of new material that I see valuable to the blog. The blog is also now going to be available via e-mail. This will make my writing more accessible to my devoted readers. I thank all of you for showing me that my message and my story are important.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Live With Purpose

I once enjoyed riding chairlifts more than anything else in the world. I can remember times that I cried tears of joy on a chairlift. I was riding to the top of a mountain during a sunrise or sunset. The beauty of the landscape struck me in a way that I was overwhelmed with joy.
I was at that time in my life content to be a skier. I spent most of my days on ski mountains. I wanted to live out my life very simply enjoying the mountain environment and sliding on snow. My purpose was just to enjoy life.
Times in my life became more complicated after the on-set of schizophrenia. My skiing career was derailed. I suffered from delusion and paranoia for a long time. This suffering shaped me into a new person. I came out of this dark phase of my life with a new purpose.
It took years of dealing with schizophrenia before this shift occured. I was for a while more or less in limbo. I was trying to resume a meaningful life after being diagnosed with a major mental illness. I didn't still live according to my heart, as I once had. I tried instead to measure up to what I perceived expectations of me were.
I had lost something inside me to my illness. The belief I once had in myself was gone. This belief that I had when I was young fueled a life of purpose. It was a meaningful life. It was my life. This phase in my recovery lingered until dealing with schizophrenia hit me harder than I ever expected it would.
It was from my darkest moment that in a way I was reborn. My life again has purpose. It is not the same purpose as it once was. I'm hardly the same person as I was then. My current purpose is to use my voice to mentor others in recovery. It is in this purpose I find joy.
It is not what we believe others expect of us that is important. We instead need to learn and understand ourselves, our hearts and our experiences. We need to have answered these questions to live an inspired life with purpose. The answers to these questions can only be found within ourselves.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Create A Better Tomorrow

In this article I would like to put forth the importance of taking part in your life. This may be the most crucial ingredient to recovery. If you choose to on a daily basis take part in your life it will come back to you. It is important that you know that if you do choose to take part in your life you are inherently a success.
Success can come in many forms. It is not only found only as prosperity, although, in the American consumer culture this is often seen this way. People who choose to live their lives in all different manners are successful. They choose make the most of what they are given.
It is important in taking part in your life that you believe. You must believe that you can make difference towards a brighter future. You must believe you can be happy. You must believe that today you can create a better tomorrow.

Pleased With My Writing

I write this blog primarily to mentor others who have mental illnesses. I believe that in sharing from my experiences, explaining things I've learned in my journey, I can help people in recovery. It is not very often that I get to learn of whether or not Breathe is really having an impact. I did hear such a story last night. I will not reveal the details of this story. I will say that it encourages me to continue writing.
I feel as though what I am doing matters. I might not be reaching and touching the lives of millions like some writers. I am on the other hand making a difference. The purpose of the blog is being fulfilled. It is more important to me that I touch the lives of those who read my writing than it is that I have a large audience.
I will not lose sight of this purpose in my writing. As it is the purpose my writing serves that gives it its worth. I am a good writer I am told. There are better than I. There are writers who know much better how to formulate good sentences. I do have something that is seen in my writing that you can not learn in books. I have experiences that others can identify with.
I have a major mental illness. Schizophrenia has impacted me more so than anything else in my whole history. There are many others like me. If my writing helps some of those out there like me, then it is good. This pleases me very much.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Healthy Attitude

I was going to the local fitness club for a little while. I found my workouts there to not be as good as the ones I was doing with my kettlebells at home. The space between the machines provided a sufficient pause in my activity level to lower my heart rate. Let alone the fact that if you really work up a good sweat you must clean off your equipment. I believe that workingout at home along with running on a regular basis is a good routine for me, besides its much cheaper.
The lesson to be learned here isn't that its not good to go to the gym. I've seen people make tremendous gains with gym memberships. You need to find what works for you and stick with it. If you try to get in shape and don't succeed, try again. The right fitness plan for you could be right under your nose.
I'm happy right now with how I look and feel. This is important to me. I am however, not the most active I have ever been. My fitness isn't as high up on my list of priorities as its been at times in the past. I do exercise everyday but with less intesity and for shorter periods of time. We must remember exercise is to benefit us as people. If we are beating ourselves up because we didn't workout for at least 2 hours any given day, we need to re-assess our view of exercise. Take a healthy attitude towards your routine.

Poetry Reading and Nervousness

Last night I went to a local open mic featuring poetry read by its authors. The venue was on the outskirts of the downtown in Brattleboro, where I live. This venue is new to the area and is called Equilibrium. If you read this blog regularly you might already know that I have been writing poetry lately. This poetry I have been writing was specifically for last nights event.
I brought 4 poems to the open mic event. I have posted each of these poems on this blog for all of you to see previously. I was exceptionally nervous about reading what I had written to a crowed. I showed up to the event about 10 minutes early and kept reading and re-reading what I had wrote. The event began at 8 in the evening but sign ups were at 7:30. There were other writers there when I showed up, at 7:20. I even knew one of them.
As I got settled in to the goings on before the reading I relaxed a little. I enjoyed conversing with other writers. I spoke with one man in particular whose name I'm unsure of. He was wearing a scarf and seemed to be an experienced writer. He knew some of the other writers there and his work was well organized. In talking to him I offered to let him read my poems. I thought that if I got some positive feedback from someone who seemed to know a thing or two about writing, I would be less nervous. I told him that I was primarily a non-fiction writer and gave him the address for this blog. He gave me some encouraging words. He said that it was obvious that it came from my heart and that it was good first poems. His words did help to put me at ease just as I had hoped.
I was second on the list of poets to go on stage. The first one of us was a friend of mine that I have know for only a short while. I was too nervous to state the titles of each of the 4 poems I read. I did manage to announce it when I was to the last of them. I do think I enunciated the words pretty well and spoke loudly enough. I tried to not hurry while at the same time keeping a good rhythm. I got through my performance and received not only clapping from the crowed but hoots and hollers as well. The man I spoke to earlier gave me a thumbs up as I sat down. I was both relieved to have gotten through the reading and excited to have got a good reaction from the crowed.
The rest of the writers went up on stage for the next hour. They all were better than I expected. I have been to open mic nights at other locations; but the talent was not as good as at last nights event. One man recited a poem from memory. A girl had the audience clapping to the rhythm of her prose. It was a great time. I will be sure to attend this event regularly.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Uniquely Human

It's amazing to me how something as impermanent as a mood can have such a profound affect on us. When we are sad or angry we see things differently than when we are happy. I will often have little hope that my life will ever get better when I'm down. I have to remind myself of how well I am already doing much of the time.
It is important to identify a mood and not see it as indicative of who we are as people. We are not our moods. Our moods will come and they will go. If you learn to accept the presence of sadness and such without allowing it to diminish your self-image, you will have learned a valuable lesson.
There are strategies to help you not allow your emotions to get the best of you. These include distractions like exercise and radio. You can also recite affirmations and practice positive self-talk. It is sometimes best to talk to a friend or family member to help lift your spirits. We all need support some of the time.
The fact is that none of us are perfect. Some of the time our moods will influence us undesirably; we might say or do something we regret later. This is a fact of life. If you develop good habits for coping with difficult emotions, you should be alright. Just remember we all make mistakes and are this way uniquely human.

Blessed to Have Love

There is one thing we all need more than anything else. That is love. It is far more important than money and without love we would have no significance as human beings. Love is especially important in recovery. We need to both receive and give love to be whole and well.
I have been through some hard times in dealing with schizophrenia. The uncompromising love I have received in these times has taught me, consoled me, guided me and believed in me enough to make me the person I am today. It has shaped me to being a person who has compassion and respect for his fellow human beings. It is love that allows me to share positivity with all of mankind.
We need to understand love to know our own purpose. I truly believe that who has not learned of love would be hopelessly lost. In contrast to the person who does know of love will always know exactly what they need, want and aspire towards. We are all blessed to have love in our lives

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I Want

I want, I want, I want
all I ever do is want
why am I so needy, to want and want and want
sometimes I don't care what I want
and yet I still want
I guess it just easy for me to want
will I ever be free from want
I can not say
but this too is something I want

Lost In Recovery

I think as a person with schizophrenia it was important to have educated myself on my illness. I experienced a major turning point in my recovery just from doing a little research on my disease. I had to do this research because no mental health professionals ever explained to me what schizophrenia was. I did not know I was even in "recovery" for years.
I can remember a time, years after my diagnosis when I didn't even know what recovery was. This was after having been in 2 or 3 different hospitals and receiving treatment at a group home for 2 1/2 years. I had asked questions about schizophrenia and did not get clear answers. I was left to deal with a major mental illness completely in the dark.
I moved to Miami Beach in the fall of 2010. I went there without batting an eyelash at the fact that I would be far away from any support system. I went there without setting myself up with a psychiatrist. I looked at an opportunity to work in a bike shop there as a means to put the schizophrenia mess behind me.
I now know much better. I have read about schizophrenia on the internet. I have also spoken to professionals and participated in many hours of group discussion. I have had many questions answered. I know that I will never be rid of this disease and that I must be diligent in my recovery. I now see a therapist and psychiatrist regularly as well as take medication everyday.
I am a little bitter that in 4 1/2 years after being diagnosed, no one offered to explain to me what it meant to have schizophrenia. It is unprofessional and irresponsible for mental health professionals to not explain to a patient what they mean in saying, you have schizophrenia. I have experienced trauma and crises because I didn't know better how to deal with my illness. I have been wronged by the mental health system.
I want everyone who reads this blog to come away knowing about mental illness just a little better. I believe this medium to be powerful because I can very easily get my message to a lot of people. I hope that in writing articles for Breathe I will be both a mentor and an advocate for those dealing with mental illness. If you read this blog you are making a step in your own recovery, it may be a small step but it is a step. Congratulations.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Cherish Your Friendships

I think one of the most important things we do as adults is form meaningful relationships. These bonds provide us with good times and support. A good friend is someone you can count on. In turn they must be able to count on you.
I have met most of my current friends through chess. A common ground between 2 people will often yield a mutually beneficial relationship. Your bond with the other person will strengthen over time. You will each earn the others trust.
Trust is the foundation of a good supportive relationship. You should try to forge the relationships you have with people you trust and remain merely acquaintances with those you don't.
A good friendship is something to be cherished.

Moving Forward

My new living situation has its challenges. I share a house with 8 other people. We all use the same kitchen and bathrooms. It is still relatively quiet, I rarely even see most of my housemates. In fact I have really got to know only 3 of them. All 3 have been friendly and respectful.
I am without a computer or television at my new residence. This is definitely a challenge. Although I am not a couch potato it is nice to have some distractions available to you. I am making an effort to be active each day. I have been reading, exercising, playing chess and writing regularly. Yesterday I played a couple of hours of chess with a friend, which was great. The day before I saw a movie matinee.
I have found that I can be more anxious about things that are on my mind without having distractions like a t.v. or computer. I am currently working on starting a recovery based writing group where I live. I am also working on making a mental health documentary that will be posted on youtube. Yesterday, I was really concerned with whether or not I should publish my blog articles in a book. I really had to make an effort to not make to much out of this issue.
I am certain that I can face these challenges. It will only teach me how to live my life better than before. I will enjoy myself in new ways, forge more meaningful relationships with my friends and possibly become a better writer. Prior to this move I looked forward to the challenges that would be presented to me in living on my own. I looked forward to this because I knew these challenges would help me grow. Here I am and I will move forward in my recovery and in life, just as I hoped I would.

4 Month Anniversary

This past Friday marked the 4 month anniversary of Breathe's first article. I usually like to write about the blog its self for anniversaries and milestones. I let the 4 month anniversary go by without even realizing it. I was too busy with my recent move, I guess. I will now take the time to write this type of article.
Not too long ago I edited my profile. It said that I was living in a group home, this is no longer the case. In reading the old profile I saw a sentence that jumped out at me. It said "Breathe is a fitness blog with a recovery slant." I am a little surprised that I thought the focus of my writing would be fitness instead of recovery.
Today I write about exercise and nutrition a lot less than I did at first. I am fit, eat a healthy diet and exercise. There is however, a great deal more to recovery than exercise and nutrition. It is a means to take steps towards well being that can be performed daily.
Recovery is about living a rewarding and meaningful life. I have had success in creating this for myself and yet still have a way to go. Things I have done to live a good life include exercise and eating well. I think just as importantly they include making friends and developing confidence in myself.
I will continue to share my recovery story through my writing. I will attempt to impart the life lessons I think may be helpful to my readers. I am invested in my writing and find it to be a source of hope for me.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Love Life

We as adults are too jaded. Although we do have to look out for ourselves this does not excuse us from living without enthusiasm and wonderment. We need to remind ourselves sometimes of how miraculous our existence is. Even though life is hard and painful at times we are privileged to be alive.
Try to have enthusiasm about how you live your life. If you find this is something you can do, share your enthusiasm with others. If you even just smile when you greet someone you will brighten their day. Kind acts towards others will be rewarded. You will be rewarded with meaningful relationships and a more positive self image.
Greet each day like it is a new day. This does not mean to hurry and be as active as possible. It means to appreciate the little things. Take time to enjoy sunny days and cool rain. This will not always come easily. You may not appreciate all your days. That is life. What is important is that we don't give up hope.
We have to be able to hope for good things to come our way. If we have an appreciation for what we have, good things will not be beyond our reach. With a little hope we will not lose sight of the opportunity life presents its self to be. We will not be as discouraged or let down when we fail. Instead we will move on and live better from the experience. I think it is best said as this-love life and you will be loved.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Spreading My Wings

I woke up this morning at my new apartment. I moved out of my now former group home yesterday. I am happy to have made this step towards independence. It has been a long time coming. I have tried to live independently only once since being diagnosed with schizophrenia. I tried to make it in Miami. I have other wise spent the last 5 years either in group homes or at my parents house.
Yesterday was a good day all in all. I did some unpacking and some grocery shopping. The usual moving into a new place stuff. I also went to a soup kitchen for lunch, wrote, played chess and worked out. I still had time that I didn't know what to do with. A little more than I expected prior to the move. I am trying to meet new people. I will hopefully be spending time with new friends in the future.
This move towards independent living should be successful. It is much different than when I moved to Miami. I wasn't seeing any mental health professionals or attending groups in Miami. Here in Brattleboro I go to a support group every week. I am also seeing a therapist, case manager and psychiatrist regularly. I am much more aware of the challenges of dealing with schizophrenia.
The community I am now living in is a good fit for me. It is small yet culturally rich. There is a thriving chess community which I enjoy being a part of. I have a number of chess buddies. I am trying to branch out further. I will be reading poetry at an open mic night next Wednesday.
I am enthusiastic about the opportunity presented to me right now. This is to live a meaningful and rewarding life. It is an opportunity to go further in my recovery than to just deal with my illness. It is the opportunity to spread my wings. I am turning the page in my life to a new chapter and look forward to sharing with all of you that read my blog, the experiences that await me.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Where I Am

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2007. It is now in remission. In the time between then and now I have lived in 2 different group homes. I have also been hospitalized 4 times. I am taking from this experience of recovery, a lot of wisdom and a stiff upper lip.
I believe most people associate schizophrenia with hearing voices. I have never heard voices myself. I have been delusional. Among them was a belief that I had a rat in my brain. The process of realizing this wasn't true was painstakingly slow. I took 9 1/2 years.
A breakthrough in my recovery occurred when I researched my illness. I went online to read stories of peoples experiences with schizophrenia. There on my computer screen were statements people made that I identified with. At that exact moment in time I discarded my delusions.
This event inspired me to share my experiences in having schizophrenia. That is why I decided to publish a blog. I have now written over 100 articles for this blog and have found it to be very rewarding.
I often times write articles that do not directly pertain to mental health. That is because I have found that recovery is a lot more than just managing an illness. It is a means to reclaim a broken life. I intend in telling my story to create a story that people can identify with. I also hope to inspire readers to go further in their recovery.
I understand that not all my readers have mental illnesses. If you are one of these I hope that by reading my articles you better understand mental illness. I believe that having this blog open to any and all to see might relieve some of the stigma around mental illness.
I welcome all my readers to contact me via e-mail. I enjoy getting responses to articles I have written and will very likely write back. Enjoy.

Troubled World

Troubled world
full of greed and need
troubled world
so many so sad
so poor so mad
troubled world