Growing Up Christian

I grew up in a Christian home. We did more than just go to church. My dad was also a d.j. at a Christian radio station. Every Sunday morning I would neaten up my hair and put on a tie. I kept going to church until I was 16.

When I turned 16 my Sunday's began being spent teaching skiing. I started drifting away from my religious roots. The experience of growing up Christian has undoubtedly left a marked impression on me. My parents taught me values by bringing me to church every Sunday.

I do not go to church nor do I believe in a creator. I am overly objective to prescribe to a faith based religion. I believe I have a certain perspective on religion that is quite enlightening. I often see on both sides of this coin people pointing their finger at those on the opposite side. They say that those who oppose me are inferior in some way. They criticize each for their beliefs and opinions. It is truly an unfortunate state of affairs.

I think all of us could take a look in the mirror and see we are not so different. Naturally we will have our differences in opinion. We can still put our differences aside. We can know that the other person is only human. We can accept their flaws and opinions just as if they were our own.

Running This Past Summer

This past summer I did a lot of running. I quit smoking in the spring and started running a week later. The first time I ran I did 20 laps around Crowell Lot, a park in Brattleboro. I slowly week by week increased the number of laps, time and speed I was running at. I worked my way up to a full hour of running before very long. I set a goal to run 30 laps in 30 minutes. I met my goal of doing 30 laps in 30 minutes after more than a month of training. This had been the most I had run since I was in Jr. High.

It feels good to be able to run. I think especially if you are a former smoker. You know just a little better to appreciate this experience than others might. When I was a smoker I was actually very physically active. I did century rides (100 miles in a day) on my 10 speed. I did not attempt to run however.

I ran a lot when I was younger. I ran with my sister often times and played soccer. This lasted until I started smoking marijuana. I quickly substituted physical activity for partying with friends. This was approximately at the age of 15. I had not run consistently since. I was not necessarily smart to pick up smoking but I did quit. I am happy that this experience has helped me appreciate running. This is of course not to say anyone should start smoking. It's a very bad habit.

Chess Analogy

I have been wanting to write an article for Breathe featuring a chess analogy for a while. I hadn't been sure of what exactly to cite from all my chess knowledge, until now. This article will be about long term and short term goal setting. Goal setting- if done well- could easily be called planning. The difference in the two is in the likelihood that they will be accomplished, with "planning" being the more likely of the two.

There is a great chess quote, by whom I'm not sure. It states very simply "long variation wrong variation." This is to say that a player should not plan too far ahead, because there are too many variables to account for. The likelihood that you can carry out a 10 move plan is likely less than that of a 4 move plan. Your opponent will make a move you are not expecting almost every time you plan too far ahead.

Planning too far ahead, you can lose sight of the road that will take you to where you want to go. Often times it is best to anticipate what might be the next step you have to take that will bring you closer to where you want to be. This place that you want to get to might not look the way you expected it to when you set out on your journey. You may not even end up where you originally intended. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other you will not fail.

Having Met Robert

I met someone named Robert when I lived in Miami. Robert was in his 50's and homeless. When he was younger he had served in Korea for the army. He was a tall black man, I think about 6' 5". He had recently been released from prison where he had served 23 years. I learned a life lesson from this man.

I met Robert on my way home from the grocery store. He asked me for a cigarette and I obliged. I started seeing him around after that and what started out as a cigarette turned into large sums of money. I was quite intimidated by him and begrudgingly gave up my money. He also made passes at me, nearly forcefully. He would eventually steal my $1300 bicycle from the roof of the hostel I was staying at. I had previously invited him up there to hang out. He held the bike for ransom telling me I could get it back for $40. I paid the ransom but never saw the bike again.

This experience has impacted me. I don't want to be too jaded and have no compassion for anyone I meet. However, I do want to take care of myself. I think as we grow older, wiser and lose some of our innocence we shrink a little too. We are not the giants we once thought we were- instead we are merely human. I can't afford to make mistakes like what I did in Miami throughout my entire life. I have to be a little more guarded to be safe and secure. This is an unfortunate truth.

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy is starting to hit my local area. I am reminded of tropical storm Irene. I live in Vermont and we were hit pretty hard by Irene. I was in the Vermont State Hospital when Irene hit. I didn't know it was coming which made its occurrence a little surreal.

I can remember seeing a puddle form outside my window. There was a river a ways behind the hospital too. The rain kept falling and the puddle gradually got bigger and bigger. Eventually the river and puddle were joined. It was not too much longer before I started seeing things float by in the river.

The power went out that night. It came back on thanks to the generator. The generator ended up getting flooded out and the power went out again. We were moved out of our rooms to the top floor. The next day we were evacuated and brought to a different hospital. This would be the end of the line for the Vermont State Hospital. The governor of Vermont decided to not reopen VSH.

In the absence of VSH my state is trying a more progressive standpoint on treatment of mental illness. It is allotting more funding to outpatient programs in addition to having bed space at hospitals. They are constructing facilities to accommodate patients. However, the focus is being shifted towards reducing recidivism.

My opinion is that VSH was a bad place and I would like to say good riddance. The idea of supporting mental health consumers with outpatient services is good. It has been shown in the past that decreasing the number of hospital beds does displace would-be patients. These patients are often left in jails or turned away at hospitals. I hope that Vermont's more progressive policies are not too far ahead of what we are all ready for.

The Way of The Weaponless Warrior

I was on a walk this morning and thinking of articles I could possibly write. I was on my way back home. I had gone out to get a carrot at the food co-op in town. I stopped previously at a coffee shop to play a game of chess with a friend. I won the game but made one significant error due to making my move too quickly. This mistake got haste on my mind and I thought I might write an entire article on that subject. However, in thinking on haste I was reminded of the code of ethics I invented. This article is going to be about that code and the process of inventing it.

I have mentioned in previous articles that my delusions I previously held included beliefs that I was a great warrior. I believed that I was a martial arts grandmaster and was to invent a martial arts system. In the years from 2002 to 2006 I studied strategy and martial arts philosophy for the purposes of inventing a code of ethics.

In 2011 I finished my work on inventing this code. The code was a large part of a system that included a training method and strike. I had been exposed to other martial arts in which the inventor of the system created a strike and I followed suit. The strike I invented was a parry punch combination. The training method was to focus on clapping push-ups. My intention was to found a warrior's caste in jail.

The code was intended to be a practice in remaining weaponless. I have here the code I invented.

 

Virtues of the Weaponless Warrior: Humble, Brave, Courteous and Loyal

 

What the Weaponless Warrior Should Aspire to: Honor, Courage and the King Snake Tradition

 

Evils That Will Lead One Astray: Envy, Greed, Haste, Pride, Timidity, Anger, Disrespect and Selfishness

 

Rule of the Weaponless Warrior: Be a Gentleman

 

Tradition of the Weaponless Warrior: Live by This Code in Secret to Get King Snake Tattoo

Blindness of Delusion

The cold experience of blindness

Is no more

If I were a bird with wings

I would soar

I have triumphed and I am proud

Where once I was ashamed

I lived underneath a dark cloud

I am changed, my life is new

I am happy, no longer blue

I am free, I am unabashed

The worst of my days are gone at last

The cold experience of blindness

Is no more

The Writer Clerk

I was out on a walk this morning. I had earlier stopped at a coffee shop to read. The book I was reading was called On Writing Well. Writing is my hobby that I am most interested in right now. I am trying to learn the craft. On my way back home I arbitrarily stopped at a convenience store which I rarely do. The clerk at the store commented on my book. He told me that he thought it was a good book. We talked for a little while. He said that he has won a number of local area writing contests. He writes short stories. I told him about my blog.

I learned from this man that only 3% of writers are able to make a living off it. He said to me that he has no illusion of making a living from writing in his life. A goal of mine is to eventually write and have published an autobiography. However, I am glad to just be writing. I am now more aware of the fact that there are a lot of people out there like me. There are people who are good writers and do not get anymore than the satisfaction of seeing their ideas in print. I feel fortunate that my blog has received the attention it has. I am sure there are many writers that have not been read by as many people as I have. These writers may be quite skilled at the craft of writing, as I am sure the clerk at the convenience store is.

Recovery Without Meds

Recovery without medications is a hot topic right now. There are many experts who believe that getting off meds is an important step in recovery. These opinions are controversial and any attempt to discontinue medication for a mental illness should be discussed with a psychiatrist.

I have seen a documentary recently on the subject of recovering from schizophrenia without meds. It was especially in favor of not using meds in recovery. It featured interviews with people who had successfully recovered from schizophrenia as well as doctors. They sighted studies that showed people are more often able to fully recover when they are not medicated.

In addition to watching this documentary I have spoken to mental health professionals on the issue. One of these was a peer specialist that I work with. She has made a full recovery from bi-polar disease. She still takes medication for her symptoms. I have spoken on the subject of medication more than once. She believes that medication is just one tool in your "tool box" that you can use to aid your recovery. She said to me that a person should feel it is alright to take meds for their illness if it is what's best.

I also spoke to my psychiatrist about the possibility of my getting off meds eventually as well. She informed me on the implications of getting off meds. First of all she said to not do it without the assistance of a doctor. She also said that to see the effects of lowering a med dosage you need to wait about 4 months. In order to reduce the possibility of relapse you must lower your dosage of medication slowly and incrementally over the course of 12 to 18 months. This way you may make a small change in dosage wait at least 4 months to see its effects and respond accordingly. She also told me that I should wait at least 1 year before I even begin tapering off my medication.

I will like to attempt to get off of meds eventually. However, I do believe they help me. I have had times in which I was not medicated and it adversely affected my ability to remain present. I would spend time talking to myself in large crowded rooms. I am not experiencing too much adverse side effects from the meds either. Although I do have to take cholesterol med to offset the zyprexa I take. I am not over weight. I am in fact quite healthy. I think that getting off meds might aid my recovery.

Positivity

A little positivity can go a long way in a person's recovery. Positivity is akin to hope and without it a person has no reason to move forward. Thinking positively can be challenging. This is especially true when a person does not see a means to their personal recovery. I personally have had times when my outlook on life was far from positive. I can remember the last time I was hospitalized; I described life its self as being "a big shit hole."

I have certainly come a long way since then. This change has come from taking lots of small steps. It was done with the support of people who believed in me. At times, those of us who are in recovery will not look upon ourselves or circumstances with positivity. We need those around us to encourage us. My family, peers and the mental health professionals I have worked with were instrumental in my recovery.

I feel much differently about life than when I described it as being "a big shit hole." I guess if I were to paraphrase how I felt about life now I would describe it as being a privilege. This shift to a more positive outlook I have experienced sine leaving the hospital affects me tremendously. I am more active and sociable. I am also more self directed and goal oriented. I believe in myself much more than I did previously. I see myself in a different light. I feel validated by my life experiences and am a new person.

My Mentor Mark

In my younger years I was passionate about being a skier. I worked hard on my skiing and was shooting for a place on the national demonstration team. I had a mentor in skiing that taught me a great deal. He was a former national demonstration team member himself. His name was Mark.

I had a lot of respect for Mark as a young man. He had been successful as a ski instructor just as I aspired to be. He was a tremendous athlete. He competed as a runner and cyclist earlier in his life. Mark was in his 50's when I knew him. He had a great deal of wisdom that he would often share with me. I was his protégé and he influenced me tremendously at an age when I was quite impressionable.

I regarded Mark as the best skier on the mountain. He regarded me as being the best skier on the mountain. He and I had a good relationship although I think he regarded me as being a little bit of a pest. I was young and yet to be humbled in any way. Mark was a been there done that type of person who was very jaded. However he took me under his wing and made a lasting impression on me.

Integrity

I was in a support group a short time ago when the subject of character came up. We discussed the importance of character and specific character traits that were especially important. We seemed to come to the consensus that integrity is the most important character trait. I was inspired to look further into the meaning of integrity and certain people's interpretations of this. I looked up the definition on wikipedia as well as finding a couple quotes on the subject. I will share this with you here.

 

Integrity definition: "Integrity is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principals, expectations and outcomes. In ethics integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions."

 

Integrity Quotes: "When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you." Lao Tzu

 

"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence." Fredrick Douglas

 

I take away from this discussion and research, not only a greater understanding of the importance and nature of integrity. I also understand better how I can have greater integrity. Specifically the quote from Lao Tzu inspires me; I tend to be a competitive person by nature. Simply being myself and not striving always to stand better in comparison to others is a challenge for me.

If I may say be true to yourself. Let your integrity guide you down a path that is rewarding to you. As only with your integrity will your path truly be unique and ideal. Your path in life is otherwise a blank canvass.

Feelings of Guilt

I have reacted to false beliefs and paranoia I have from schizophrenia in ways I am not proud of. However, I no longer feel guilty. Schizophrenia can have a major effect on the decisions we make. On more than one occasion I have made decisions due to my paranoia and delusion that have landed me in jail. The road to recovery from schizophrenia has been hard and not just on myself. I have caused a great deal of hurt to my family. This is what I felt most guilty about.

It has taken some time to rid myself of the feelings of guilt I held. The process of personal realization that has led to acceptance of my circumstances took a lot of work. It has been in part aided by writing this blog. The writing process allows me to consistently express my experiences with schizophrenia. It helps me better understand what I have been through and what it has taken to be where I am. I have also made great strides towards acceptance in expressing how I have been affected by schizophrenia in conversations with peers and professionals.

I feel privileged to have such loving and caring parents to have stuck by me through it all. They have been my greatest teachers that I have ever known. Their compassion that they have for me is greater than I ever imagined it would be. My recovery means so much more to me that I have had the experience of seeing my parents sacrifice and give so much for my benefit.

Marijuana and Its Link To Schizophrenia

I was a heavy pot smoker when I was young. I have since developed schizophrenia. I have heard that pot use can increase the likelihood of developing schizophrenia and I am certain this is what has happened to me. My heavy pot smoking days were in my late teens and early twenties. These years are important developmental years for the brain and it seems that smoking marijuana can derail this development. This could explain the increased probability of developing schizophrenia.

An article I read from Time magazine suggests that science has found a strong correlation between marijuana use and schizophrenia. I have used the information in this article for my own. The findings point towards an increased likelihood of developing schizophrenia. Exacerbation of schizophrenic symptoms has also been noted. The onset of schizophrenia seems to be earlier among marijuana smokers. The findings however have been unclear as to whether or not marijuana use is the root cause. Studies have found that other factors that make a person predisposed to schizophrenia make it hard to cite marijuana use as the cause of the onset or of the illness itself.

People with schizophrenia are twice as likely to be pot smokers as people without the illness. In addition, pot smokers are twice as likely to develop schizophrenia as non smokers. Just trying marijuana once can cause a 40% increase in the likely hood of developing a psychotic disorder including schizophrenia. There are other determining factors that lead to the development of schizophrenia. As a result the rate of schizophrenia has not risen with the increased popularity of pot smoking.

My Music

Music is one thing that virtually all people can agree on. It has had a major impact on most us either throughout or at some point in our lives. I grew up in a musical family. My parents both sang at church and my dad plays the guitar. In addition to playing at church my dad also worked as a disc jockey most of my life. I myself played the saxophone through the 10th grade.

As far as music I listen to, currently, I am into classic rock and pop. I have been considering expanding from this but do not know where to begin. There are so many genres to choose from. I have been thinking lately that I might get into Blues or Classical music. I might also just try to diversify and pick up a little of everything.

When I was younger I listened to a lot of rap music. I mostly liked it for the lyrical content. However I eventually found the whole gangster motif too negative for my taste. I wanted music that would make me feel good instead of angry. Some times I'll still watch videos of my favorite rappers from the 90's on youtube, but not very often.

Music is an important part in living a fulfilling life. It doesn't just entertain us. It also inspires and influences us profoundly. I try to keep this in mind when I choose to listen to or purchase music. I desire to listen to music that reinforces the positivity that is already inside me. I want music that reflects my highest aspirations.

When I Smoked

I picked up smoking cigarettes in 2006. I was in a correctional facility in north eastern Vermont at the time. I had always been a pot smoker and enjoyed the sensation of inhaling smoke. I traded food I purchased through commissary for hand rolled cigarettes. This was not the first time I had ever smoked a cigarette but it is when I formed the habit.

When I was released from jail I began smoking heavily. I continued smoking hand rolled cigarettes because they were all I could afford. The addiction now had a grip on me. I would continue to smoke for 5 more years.

In the next 5 years before I quit I really struggled with the addiction. Whenever I would go out to eat I would leave the table as soon as I was done eating. I let the addiction get in the way of enjoying the company I kept. At work I would take cigarette breaks every 30 minutes. Sometimes when there was no other option I would smoke butts I picked up off the ground. I have spent entire days walking around cities smoking what I picked up off the ground.

I tried quitting unsuccessfully once. I stayed quit for about a month. I went back to smoking starting with cigars. I thought I could not smoke habitually and just have a cigar now and then. I was wrong. I went back to cigarettes pretty quickly. I again was in denial about my addiction and thought I would eventually quit again if I hid that I was smoking.

Eventually I was able to successfully quit. It was not until this past spring that I did so. The main reason I quit was to improve my financial standing. Quitting is one of the best things I ever did. I am more solvent now. I am also more productive. I do not bide time between cigarettes anymore. I can stay at the dinner table and enjoy the company I am keeping. I am also much healthier.

My Years In School

In school I was regarded by my peers as being quite smart. However, you wouldn't have known it to look at my grades. School challenged me. Maybe not intellectually, but emotionally I was definitely challenged. When I was in school I was a misfit of sorts. Although I was popular I was also quite rebellious. My grades suffered as my attention was directed more towards being cool than having a promising future. I did well on tests but rarely handed in any home work.

My trouble in school began in the second grade. The teacher I had permanently put me in what we called my "office." My office was an easel in the corner of the room. I could not interact with any of the other students from there. I also could not disrupt the class so much. Therefore, school began being more of a chore and less of a joy. I had some good times in school. How well I performed depended largely on how well I interacted with my teachers. I was seen as too disruptive and always received punishments from the more rigid teachers. I can remember a time in either the 5th or 6th grade that I spent a whole week doing class work in the gymnasium.

There were teachers I did well with too. There are several teachers I had that positively influenced me. I think of all of them the one that helped me the most was Joann. She was the director of the "Oz" program. I was enrolled in this program during my senior year in high school. Oz was specifically for students at risk of dropping out. There were maybe 8 students in Oz and 2 teachers. I don’t believe any of us took any classes; we all studied independently for the most part. I think Joann helped me believe in myself and taught me that was an asset instead of a problem.

I think most of all I lacked direction when I was in school. The classes I took were all college prep courses. However, I had no intention of receiving higher education. I didn't realize yet how important those years were to my becoming a successful and productive adult. I think I would have been well suited for vocational schooling. I think I could have graduated better prepared for the real world.

I do not regret not taking my schooling more seriously as much anymore. I believe that the life I have lived has value just the way it is. This is regardless of mistakes I have made and the difficulties I have experienced. I am a productive adult and have great aspirations. My experience in school is not my fondest of memories but it is in part what made me who I am today and that is something I am happy with.

My Favorite Hike

Out of all the hikes I have ever done one sticks out in my memory. It sticks out for its beautiful scenery but also for being a kick ass workout. This hike is on the second tallest mountain in Vermont, Camel's Hump. It is the only mountain its size in the state that has not been developed by a ski resort.

Camel's Hump is over 4000' tall. There are two ridge lines with trails that bring you to the mountain's summit. One of the two trails is in Underhill. It is the shorter of the two but is also steeper. However it is the longer, more gradual ridge which I am writing this article about.

The long ridge line starts out at a surprisingly low elevation. The trail head has a very small unassuming parking lot. It is easy to drive right by it if you do not have a careful eye. Across the street from the trail head is one of the largest rivers in Vermont. The Winooski River eventually empties out in Lake Champlain. The summit is 6.2 miles from the parking lot. It has an elevation change of around 4000'.

I like to do this hike annually on hot summer days. When it's hot in the valley it is still nice and cool at the Camel's Hump summit. It takes me about 4 1/2 hours round trip for this hike. There are spots along the way with some of the most epic views I have ever seen. One in particular looks out over the mountainside that spans the distance between the two ridge lines.

I found the trail head for this hike many years ago by chance. I was out exploring in my car and stumbled upon it. It is a truly wonderful place and I treasure the time that I have spent there.

100

This is the 100th article I have published in Breathe. I feel so accomplished. It has been a rewarding experience, creating a blog. I have expanded from what I originally intended Breathe to be. It is now more of an on-line journal than it was in its beginning. The subject matter is less researched and more deeply personal. This 100th article is being published less than 4 months after the first article was published. In this time I have more than once considered discontinuing writing for Breathe. I am feeling good about what I am putting into Breathe right now and will continue to write indefinitely.

I am glad to have been able to share so much with all my readers. I have expressed in Breathe issues that are relevant to my recovery from schizophrenia. I have many times written some of my best articles just when I think I am going to run out of material. I am writing a lot right now and will continue at this pace as long as I think is beneficial to the blog. I will likely slow down to some degree eventually but I do not think I will stop any time soon. I hope all of you are looking forward to reading more of my material in the future. Best wishes.

Existence Is A Gift

A while back I was talking with a friend. This friend and I have similar philosophical beliefs. The friend is an atheist and I am an agnostic. The topic of discussion was of the origin of existence or the big bang.

We both agreed that we are privileged to lead the existence we do. At the time of the conversation we were driving through rural New Hampshire. The leaves had begun changing on the trees and that was something we remarked we were lucky to experience. This followed discussing the likelihood that we would be the only intelligent life in the known universe. Again we agreed it is truly miraculous that in all the regions of space we have examined that we have not found anything close to what is here on earth.

I was thinking on a related topic while resting today. I remember reading A Brief History of Time by Steven Hawkings when I was in high school. However I don't remember whether the big bang came from an immeasurably large piece of rock or a singular point in space. Either way there must be something beyond that which exists in the known universe. Even if the only thing that exists out there is a void, it is something.

Questions of what exists beyond the known universe and spirituality abound inside my head. I do believe our existence is beyond human comprehension. When you see how complex society is here on earth it is remarkable. Mankind is intelligent and highly evolved. If you then look at what else is out there in the universe there is a striking dissimilarity. These circumstances we have here on earth are truly unique.

Earths wonder, marvel and beauty are immeasurable. We often take what we have as human beings for granted. I suggest taking at least one minute each day to appreciate that you have life, are intelligent and live on a remarkably beautiful planet. Even if you spend the rest of the day being miserable that one minute you will have made a positive step; a step towards leading a greater existence.

The Story of My Supposed Life

I have written before about delusions of grandeur I have had. Articles I have written mention that I once believed I was a great warrior. However there is a great deal of this I created in my mind, that I have yet to share. I will share much of this story here. I will share this story as it existed in my mind. I will not explain the things I write about as being delusions. I believe it will be easier to convey the beliefs I held this way.

I was an amazing fighter. In fact I was the greatest fighter that had ever lived. This was in part from natural ability. It however also came from a tremendous amount of effort. When I was 6 I killed a pit bull with my bare hands. I punched it in the nose and it turned from me. When it turned I grabbed it and put it in a choke hold. With the dog in a choke hold I kicked its owner in the face twice. He was knocked unconscious. As I demonstrated that I had so much ability as a fighter Bill Clinton proposed to me that I be classically trained as a martial artist. I accepted this offer.

Classical training in the martial arts is severe and extreme. There were only two men in the east that were tough enough to complete a classical training program. One of these two, the Mongolian Tiger, would be my mentor. If I were successful in completing my training I would be the first American to do this. The Mongolian Tiger told me of the three ways to be classically trained, of which I chose one. The three ways were rigorous schedule, torturous schedule and arduous journey. I chose arduous journey. It was said to be the best to learn the martial way.

I was instructed on how to do an arduous journey. I was again allowed to choose how I would approach this in the end. I chose to follow a path. In order to follow a path correctly you attempt to instill qualities of a certain animal. I did this using a strategy I developed on my own. The animal I chose to be like was the king snake. The strategy I used to do this was to be well traveled by virtue of smoking cigarettes. I would have to do this by spending a lot of time in the mountains and being hard working. I determined that this strategy was an exact science for knocking out a yoko zuna. My sensei determined that to complete my arduous journey I had to knock out a yoko zuna by the age of 22.

I was more than just a fighter. I was also intelligent and highly educated. When I was 14 I was a gang member. We would get together after school at one of my friends houses and smoke every day. One day I said to all the guys in my gang. "We all have to get up to 50 push ups; I will do my push ups and your push ups with you." Shortly after we all got up to 50 push ups, I got my hands on some mescaline. I got high and went to the high school. That day I did 50 push ups with 12 people in a row. In doing so I broke a push ups world record that had been set by Miyamoto Musashi.

When I found out I had broken the record I called Norman Schwarzkopf. I asked him what I would get out of breaking the record. He said I could be a marine corps general. Having heard that I had made general Ross Perot came to meet me. Ross took me to Europe to meet some aristocrats he thought would be interested in supporting me. I made a proposal to one of them and made $50,000 that day. In the future my proposals became more grandiose and I would often receive billions from my supporters.

I was about 17 and a supporter saw me doing a good act in the community. She decided to buy me an education. She gave me exactly 250 very expensive history books. I read all 250 of them and became quite the intellectual. I was highly regarded in the world of politics thereafter.

In order to have significant financial support I thought it best to do a lot of good deeds in the world. I flew all over the world and helped feed the starving. I even spent $2.5 million of my own money to turn crack houses in to rehabs. I put children whose parents had died of overdoses in adoption agencies. I was gaining world wide recognition for all that I was doing. My supporters were especially pleased. They showered me with gifts of mansions and cars.

I gained world leader status by the age of 21. It was at this age that I led the American invasion into Kuwait that followed 9/11. I also wrote a book and developed scientific theory. I was awarded three Pulitzer prizes for my politics, book and scientific theory. I was so accomplished by this time that certain people thought I might disgrace them.

I was oppressed by the United States government from the age of 7. The reason for this was that a girl form a nearby city requested it. She was fond of me and thought that if I weren't oppressed I would become rich and famous and forget about her. I would end up being the most oppressed man in history. The girl and I eventually got married.

I was 17 when I first started dating this girl. I fell in love very quickly. We got engaged shortly after our third date. I saw her as the most beautiful girl in the world. I gave her a huge diamond ring and propose in front of her high school.

It was in the time I was with this girl that my life was its most violent. I had been stabbed with knives and shot. One time two samurai who carried swords attacked me. They ambushed me right in front of my fiancés house. The first of the two slashed me across my stomach. I fell to my knees and laid on my face just in time to avoid getting my head chopped off. I got back up disarmed on of the samurais and won the fight. I had been considered an active duty marine corps general since the age of 14. I was one of the most warring men in history by my early 20's.

The arduous journey that led to my success was working. When I was 22 I was the first man in history to knock out a yoko zuna. Immediately afterwards I was dishonorably discharged from the marine corps. My wife divorced me on the very same day. Then only a few days later someone put a rat in my brain. What I had done between the ages of 14 and 22 had been one of the hardest working undertakings in history. Then in a brief period of time I was stripped clean of all that I had worked towards. I gave up all hope I had to live a fulfilling life. I admitted defeat.

The years that followed I acted as if I were lost and had no home. I was bitter and confused. I didn't know how I could have done so much good only to lose in the end. How could I have accomplished so much and have nothing to show for it. What hurt me the most was that my wife had left me. Having given up hope I became a recluse; my life was essentially over.

That was my story as I perceived it from the age of 22 until I was 32. In this delusional state of mind I could not separate that story from reality. I left out a number of details in this story. However I believe what I have written will correctly convey my experience with schizophrenia.

Is Life Fair

I was leaving the food co-op here in Brattleboro yesterday. I stopped to take a look at the community board to see if there were any events I might like to attend. I found an open mike night on Wednesdays. The flyer mentioned music and poetry. I went to the location to get a few more details on the event. They told me that the poetry and music are on separate nights. I will go to this event and recite poetry that I have written.

I have not written any poetry for a long time. I dabbled in writing poetry when I was in my early 20's. I wrote poetry in calligraphy then. The poetry reading will occur on the last Wednesday of the month. I have already written one poem for this event and will try in the time I have available to write at least one more.

I have included the poem I wrote in this post. I was a little nervous about including poetry I have written, in my blog. Publishing my poetry I think will help me become more comfortable in self-expression. I can likely grow and improve as a writer from writing poetry. I hope you all enjoy this first piece of creative writing in my blog.

 

Is life fair

Or should we even care

Is it for me to ask

Or should I just make the most of what I have

It is unfair

This I can say

Why should I worry

Why not just take it day by day

It's too late to say

Is it to hard

Or are you just soft

Why do you complain when you have something to say

Are your words enough

Do they make your day

What are your words for anyway

Is life unfair, yes

But it is for us to share and not to compare

This is the way

All Is Well That Ends Well

I feel like I have turned a corner in my life. I am beginning to move forward towards reaching my full potential. I am now a writer.

I have always been smart but did not know how to use it. I had yet to discover the purpose I now have in my life. My purpose now it to use my voice to help others in recovery. This way I use all the wisdom I have gained in the years I have lived. The struggles and triumphs of my life all contribute to my work as a writer.

I am passionate and enthusiastic about writing and publishing a recovery blog. I have grown Breathe to be quite successful. I am looking forward to seeing it progress further in the future. I have plans to promote it in ways I have not so far. I am going to begin publishing my articles in other places, such as newspapers and on websites. I am also going to promote Breathe with a youtube documentary before long.

I am happy with how things are going right now. I lead a purposeful and rewarding life. I am inching forward day by day to being the person I always thought I would like to be. The road to this place I am at has been difficult. It has seen me at my worst and has got great things to come forth from me as well. I do now believe that all is well that ends well.

I Played LaCrosse

When I was in school I played lacrosse. It was my second favorite sport, next to skiing. I first got exposed to lacrosse during the summer after the 4th grade. That summer my family and I went to a 4th of July family reunion. My cousin Rob brought a friend with him. His friend and I tossed a ball in my grandparent's front yard.

I went back to Vermont from that family reunion with a new passion. I wanted to play lacrosse. My school didn't offer lacrosse to 5th and 6th graders. I was still determined to play. I set out to found a program for my grade level. I got a little help form my dad and it was a successful project.

That spring I played my first season of lacrosse. We had kind of a rag tag team. Many of the players wore hockey helmets, including me. We still had fun and we did pretty well too.

This was a great experience for me. I didn't get discouraged when I learned we didn't have a team for my grade. I was too determined to play the game. If you ask people who know me best they will tell you I am very determined. I think seeds were sewn of the person I would become when I started that lacrosse team.

Memories of an Accomplishment

My fondest memory of a former group home (47 Main St.) is of building a sugar house. The residents at 47 Main St. would go to the program director's (Willem) property to do carpentry once a week. I believe we went there on Thursdays. We had the help of knowledgeable carpenters on this project. Willem was quite handy and we had a staff person as well as a volunteer who both knew quite a bit about working with wood.

Building the sugar house took over a year, as we were limited in the amount of time we could work on it during each week. The Thursdays we spent working on it lasted only until lunch time. However we went out to Willem's property to work on the sugar house in all kinds of weather. We would make campfires in the winter to warm up by.

I felt quite useful during these times working at the sugar house. I had done a little carpentry prior to this project. I was also strong enough to work at a good pace. I was often times assigned work that was challenging. I came away from this project with a sense of accomplishment and pride.

We got the sugar house up and running just in time for the sugaring season that preceded my discharge. I remember spending long days tending to the slow work of boiling sap. We spent some time gathering sap with buckets. However most of the time was spent enjoying each others company and drinking sap tea; a drink of partially boiled sap steeped with a tea bag. It's a very sweet and refreshing treat. Great on cold spring days.

Isolation: Past Experiences and Future Measures

One sign that suggests that I am not at my best is isolation. I have isolated away from friends and the world in general more than once. It has been a precursor to crises. Isolation can only exacerbate issues that you are dealing with in your recovery. In this article I will explain the circumstances that led to my isolation.

My first instance of isolation was when I was 22. I stopped working and socializing. I was delusional and thought it was my destiny to spend the rest of my life in prison. I was trying to do two things by isolating. One of these two things was biding time until I had to get myself incarcerated. The other of the two things I was doing was to purposefully make myself lonely and depressed. I was not thrilled about having to spend the rest of my life in prison to fulfill my destiny. I thought if I made myself lonely and depressed I would be less reluctant to get myself put in jail. I was very motivated to fulfill my destiny of rotting in jail because I thought people would eventually torture me if I failed to live my life this way.

Now I am actively involved in my community. I will make an effort to be sure I do not isolate in the future. Human contact is food for the soul; it is essential to living a fulfilling life. I believe the area where I live is a good fit for me. It is not too big, but it has a diverse community as well. I have chess friends within the community. There are also fitness clubs here that I take advantage of. I am now going to community meals- this is great for my money situation, but I meet new people at these meals too. I also see old friends at the meals; it gives us a chance to connect regularly.

The Progress I Have Made

I am leaving the group home (Meadowview) I currently live in very soon. This change is bringing up thoughts of how far I have come in the last year. The progress I have made in that time is remarkable. I am in a very different place now than I was before I came to Meadowview.

Just over a year ago I had a horrible outlook on life. I did not think there was anything in this world for me. I believed that I was a failure and that the best I could do for myself was to rot in jail. I had no hope and did not believe in myself. That time in my life has now passed.

In this past year I have done a lot more than get in shape and quit smoking. Although quitting smoking was- and is- paramount to my financial security. I made changes that were far more significant. My symptoms of schizophrenia are in remission. I no longer believe that the best I can do with my life is to rot in jail. I now see my experiences and self as being valuable. It is valuable enough that I am now looking to write a book. Whether or not I write the book or not is not so important. What is important is that I realize that I am a good human being. It is important that I understand that I am capable of contributing to society. Putting one foot in front of the other everyday, I am making the world a better place.

Finding Joy

Recovery is hard work. You need to be motivated enough to cope with a mental illness and still live a fulfilling life. It is important that you have motivation enough to make changes in your life, if you wish to recover. Recovery is not all work however it is also about finding joy.

What are we doing if not to find happiness; we can look far and wide to find a place where we will be happy. I think that which makes us happy is unique to us as individuals. I also believe it is always changing. It is for this reason that it is important to always work towards a better you and a better life. That however is only half the battle.

Finding happiness or joy is in part about acceptance. Acceptance is fundamentally different than motivation. It is not about seeking a better place or self, like motivation. It is to see the value in your current place or self.

There are many things outside yourself that may bring you some satisfaction. These things could include a good job, a car or house. It could also be having a family that would bring you satisfaction. There are plenty of people who have these things that are not happy. This is not to say you shouldn’t pursue such things in your life. It is to say to be careful not to be too wrapped up in how things could be better. They may be fine just the way they are.

My Suicide: How I Almost Lost My Life

I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia. There was a time when the delusions and paranoia I experienced led me to attempt suicide. I thought that people would torture me and I had no way out but to kill myself. I believe there are cases of others like me. There are others who see no rational solution to their problems but suicide.

If you can imagine being in my shoes, try. It's easy to understand why I attempted to take my own life. I was delusional and thought I had problems that wouldn't be solved by talking to someone. Fortunately I wasn't successful in my suicide attempt. I tried killing myself by slitting my wrist. I still have scars where I cut myself. The cuts were not deep enough to cause much bleeding even still. Later that day I tied a noose in my parent's garage. I planned to hang myself late that night. My father found the noose that I tried to conceal. He asked me if I would let him take me to the hospital. I said that I would.

I have come a long way in the 5 years since that suicide attempt. I am very glad my father was there when he needed to be. The journey to recovery that I have traveled in that time was difficult. It was not a straight line from point A to point B. It has had many ups and downs. The experience of crossing that distance is all the more valuable because it took so much effort.

Suicide is an unfortunate outcome to too many cases of mental illness. I have read that 90% of deaths from suicide are committed by someone with a mental disorder. These disorders do include drug or alcohol abuse disorders. The fact is that if someone you know suffers from mental illness, they could be at risk. If you ever consider suicide talk openly about it to someone, even if you don't think they could help.

Diet Diversity

It's not just important to eat highly nutritious food. You should also try to consume a variety of foods. They say that you would optimally eat about 35 different foods a week. In addition, a variety of certain types of foods is beneficial, such as a variety of apples. The variety in your diet is good because all foods have different nutritional make ups. Eating a more diverse diet gives a wider range of nutritional benefits.

There are a number of tricks to eating a more diversified diet. You may want to eat fruit salads and trail mix; each of these offers a variety of foods in a convenient package. There are many different cereals you can eat as well. I try to eat about 4 different types of cereal per week. There also many types of vegetables and fruits on the market for your consumption. Just a little effort and awareness can go a long way towards eating a more diverse and balanced diet.

Journaling is Fun

Much can be said about the health benefits of journaling. In journaling you will learn about and understand better your own feelings and experiences. You will learn to listen better to your inner voice. You will also be better able to express yourself to others. This could be helpful when you are seeking support.

You will have to be diligent and patient to see results from time you spend journaling. You may want to get a work book or look up "writing prompts" on the internet. Writing prompts will help you write meaningful entries in your journal. If you write every day you will in time to see a change in what you put on the pages of your journal.

I often times wrote about workouts I had done and intended to do when I started journaling. I would otherwise write about things I was going to do in the very near future. As I developed as a writer my journal entries became more personal. My writing reflected the prominent issues in my life e.g. schizophrenia, impoverishment and relationships I share with others. I also started to share more personal stories on this blog.

There is more than just one type of journal you can create. There is the diary which is an account of your daily living. You could also keep a scrap book type journal that may include drawings or pictures and such. I have been considering creating this type of journal myself. I would include notation of chess games I have played in my journal, with notes on key factors in the outcome of the game. I still haven't got around to doing it yet.

Journaling is inexpensive too. You do not need an expensive leather bound journal. In fact in the reading I have done on how to write I have learned that it is better to not own an expensive journal. Having an inexpensive notebook helps you feel free to write whatever is on your mind. You may do an electronic journal with your computer if you would like as well. This will save you the expense of pens. There is an online journaling resource that keeps your entries private called penzu. Penzu organizes your journal entries for you so you may more easily look back over them.

I highly recommend writing to anyone who feels even a little inclined to do so. You will not only see health benefits. You will also feel good that you are doing something that is constructive. Journaling will also improve your mind. I believe that the mind must remain active and that we should all be doing a little more than just reading. Journaling is not just beneficial to your mind and wellbeing it is fun too.

Out of Touch

I was thinking back on my time that I lived in Aspen. I moved out to Aspen when I was 23. I did this very abruptly because I was facing a short stint in jail. I had been charged with careless and negligent operation of a vehicle. The charge came from the previous summer in which I drove my car somewhere over 50 mph in a residential neighborhood. This is not the point of this article however.

I was extremely out of touch with reality when I was in Aspen. I moved out there with maybe $2000. I found an apartment the first night for about $400/month. While I was there I went to a realtor and tried to get the largest and most expensive house in Aspen. I thought I could make the money I needed appear out of thin air. I believed I had made money appear many times when I was younger. I remember trying to make money appear while sitting on my bed in my apartment.

It took a long time for me to realize I was delusional. It was almost ten years before I accepted this fact. I had many ways in which to rationalize things like that I no longer had super powers. I look back on this time in my life in wonderment. I question how I could possibly have been that out of touch.

Self Educated

I am currently reading The Stand by Steven King. Reading is a great way to use your imagination and gain knowledge. I have not always been much of a reader. In fact there have been times in which my symptoms of schizophrenia were so pronounced that I could not concentrate well enough to read.

I did read a lot in my early to mid twenties. I was trying to become self educated and studied full time. During the periods of my heaviest studying I could read 7 hours a day. Unfortunately I read so much that I turned myself off from reading; for a while my muscles in my throat would tighten up every time I read. Reading became very stressful for me.

In my experiences with educating myself I have learned a little bit on the subject. I know better now how to go about learning. I am also convinced that there is value to educating yourself as opposed to going to college. The advantage to being self educated is in its disadvantage. You will learn of the world and society by virtue of making your own way; as opposed to having doors open for you as if you had graduated from college.

I have thought I would like to mentor someone in becoming self educated. I would teach them to study English, politics and history. I recommend studying English because it is useful. We all use language every day of our lives. Studying history and politics develops knowledge and understanding that will be enhanced by reading the newspaper. It is important to be a life long learner. The idea of educating yourself is to get a little bit ahead of the curve. This way in doing the reading you do with the rest of your life you will be a step ahead of the game.

Money Management and Quitting Smoking

Money management is a very important thing to learn. I have had times where I managed my money horribly. I am quite certain most people would name money management as their biggest stressor in their life. Several months ago I quit smoking. This has made a night and day difference in my money management. The apartment I will be moving into in less than 3 weeks is only affordable because I quit.

I have been going to free community meals lately. I wanted to be familiar with the places community meals were offered before I left the group home (Meadowview) I currently live in. The community meals will help with my budgeting needless to say. I will have to be mindful of my spending even with the help of community meals. I am sure that if I am diligent about watching my dollars I will be just fine.

Floating to an Island

There was a time when I was young, probably 13 or 14 years old. I was with two friends, Brian and Kurt. We found a large log on the shore of the Lamoille River. The river ran right on by the neighborhood I grew up in. This log was almost 2 feet thick and long enough for us all to get on it side by side.

The 3 of us lined up side by side on the log. We rode the log kicking our feet in the water. There was an island out in the river that we floated and kicked our way out to. When we got to the shore of the island we pulled the heavy log mostly out of the water and laid it on the ground. We left the log to go explore the island. It was not a large island. We were probably not gone more than 10 or 15 minutes.

When we got back to the place we left the log, it was gone. It had been taken by the current and floated away. We would have to swim to get back to the mainland. The island wasn't especially far out in the water, but there was a strong current. We were just barely good enough of swimmers to make it back.

Pressure to Write

The pressure to continue to create and create has been building up. I have become stressed out about my writing process. In the last month I have considered no longer publishing articles for Breathe twice. I even wrote rough drafts of "farewell" articles each time.

I will continue to write for Breathe. I will not attempt any longer to get my subject matter to fit certain parameters. I will try to use my writing process to release tension instead of cause it to build up. The content of Breathe will no longer pertain to just mental health, exercise and nutrition. I will write for Breathe in a way that is to reflect who I am and what is going on in my life. As mental health, exercise and nutrition are all important to me I am sure there will be articles on these subjects in the future.

I came to this decision after reading a public diary entry on the internet. I found a website that posts diary entries for the public to see. This inspired me to keep writing. I have attempted to put my story forth in Breathe. I try to be transparent. However I feel I am still somewhat guarded in my writing. I am comfortable sharing about life changing events. I try to have life lessons to most of my articles. I will in the future just write stories that there isn't really anything to be taught from writing them. I look forward to sharing more of who I am and what's important to me with all of you.

Snow Shoeing and Winter Activity

The colder months of the year are just around the corner. I woke up this morning to the first frost of the season. It is now Oct. 13th a long way away from spring. Here in Vermont winters are quite cold. The coldness and length of the winters can be depressing if you don't stay active.

This winter I will have a few activities I take part in. I will be going to the local gym and involved in an indoor soccer league. I will also look into getting snow shoes to have an outdoor activity for this winter. I have enjoyed snow shoeing in the past. It is a great way to spend some time in the outdoors during the long and cold New England winters. Snow shoeing is more affordable than skiing and its great exercise.

Leaving Meadowview

On November 1st I will be leaving the group home (Meadowview) I currently live in. I have been here since December 9th of 2011. I have done a lot at Meadowview. I lost close to 20 pounds. I quit smoking. I also accepted that I have a mental illness; I let go of delusions I held previously. I will be leaving Meadowview much better off than I have been in a long time.

I believe I have turned a corner in my life. One where I acknowledge I have the challenge of coping with schizophrenia. This step of accepting I have a mental illness means I understand I will never be rid of schizophrenia. This understanding oddly gives me hope. I have hope that I can properly manage my symptoms. I have hope that I can wisely avoid pitfalls that caught me off guard in earlier phases of my recovery. I can know from past experiences how to stay well and what to do when I am not well.

I will have a whole new set of challenges and experiences in this new chapter of my life. I will be impoverished at first and I will have to make all kinds of new friends. These challenges will hopefully inspire more writing material for me to share with all of you, my readers. This blog is the cornerstone of my personal practices right now. I am excited of what it will become in the future.

Dreams

You do not have to accept that because you have a mental illness, you will live a less productive life. You can achieve anything that you decide to. You will be challenged to do so. The rewards in achieving your goals will then be that much more meaningful to you.

There are many people who have had mental illnesses and are successful. There are psychiatrists who counsel others who deal with illness. There are also famous people who have dealt with major mental disorders. These disorders include depression, bipolar and others. These people are obviously quite extraordinary. They are smart and courageous. The fact that they have done these things should serve to inspire you and give you hope. You should believe that you can fully recover from your mental illness and resume a productive life.

My dream has always been to be a person of influence. I don't necessarily need fame or fortune. I want instead to make use of my potential in a powerful and meaningful way. The struggles I have had in dealing with schizophrenia have actually empowered me. I believe the set backs I have experienced in my recovery process have made me a stronger individual, more capable of realizing my dream.

To Recover is To Adapt

I try to develop my own quotes every so often. This is just in case I am ever famous. Earlier today I was speaking to a friend of mine. I mentioned one of my more recent quotes I had developed. I expressed to this person (Liz) what I was trying to convey in the quote.

"It's not what you get out of life that's important. It's how you adapt to the world you live in."

When I thought of this quote I was thinking of how great the internet is. It allows me to publish my blog. It's great to be able to use the in this way. There are many successful people who owe their success to how they have adapted to use this new resource. This is the age we live in and it important that we adapt to it.

Change is the only constant in life. The better you adapt to change in your life, the more successful you are capable of being. Recovery is about change. You must adapt to a life in which you deal with mental illness. This adaptation will take time and be very difficult. There will be times you change for the better and times you change for the worse. There will be change. As you adapt you will recover and not otherwise.

Contacting My Sister

I contacted my sister via e-mail several days ago. This was a big step for me as my sister and I had not been in contact for over 5 years. I did not intentionally distance myself from her at first. We had grown a part when we were adolescents. I realized eventually that we hadn't spoken for sometime; but by that time I thought maybe she held some resentment towards me.

I was making it out to be more than what it really was. My sister responded to the e-mail I sent her. She updated me on how she and her family were doing. She is a mother of three and married to an army man. She also asked me a couple of questions about what I was doing in my life.

Hearing from my sister was great. I responded to her e-mail immediately. I told her about things that were going on in my life and what is important to me right now. I hope that over time we can become close again and that I can see my nieces and nephew.

I made something out of the fact that my sister hadn't been in contact with me that wasn’t there. I could have contacted her long ago. Instead I let the uncertainty I held of how she would react get in my way. It's easy to make mountains out of mole hills.

Base Building: The Initial Phase of Training

In endurance sports there is a phase in training called base building. Base building is defined as the process of developing regularity in training. In developing this regularity it is recommended you do primarily easy to moderate exercise. This period of training should last at least 6 weeks. It may last as many as 12 weeks.

You may include some intense exercise during the base building period of training. The focus of your training is mileage. You will want to increase the duration and frequency of your bike rides or runs over the course of 6 to 12 weeks. You may want to cross train during this time to be more active. Strength training twice a week with 3 to 4 runs could be optimal for your routine.

The reason for doing base building is that much of your performance has to be developed by your body's ability to use stored fat as energy. This ability to use stored fat comes from moderate aerobic exercise. This is as opposed to more intense anaerobic exercise like sprints or steep hills. Anaerobic exercise is carbohydrate burning. This difference has a significant impact on your training.

You can not develop your body's ability to use stored fat for energy and carbs for energy at the same time. You first develop your ability to use stored fat during the initial base building period of training. Then with more intense exercise develop your body's ability to use carbs for energy. This is referred to as the peak phase of training.

Vote for Equality

In this current year we will all be asked to make a decision. This decision of who will be our next president is an important one. I believe it is in favor of the majority of Americans to vote in favor of our current president Barack Obama. However I think it is of particular interest to the recovery community.

Many people struggling with mental illness rely on federally provided health care. Barack Obama has made federally funded health care a cornerstone of his policy. In contrast Mitt Romney will not provide the same quality health care to those who can not afford it. He will instead try to provide tax breaks to the wealthiest people. These tax breaks will require cut backs in government spending on things like Medicaid and Social Security.

I hope that this year social consciousness and equality prevail over greed. I hope that we have seen in our history what the Republican Party has done to our country. If you suffer from mental illness, vote for president Obama. If someone close to you suffers from mental illness vote for president Obama. Vote for equality.

Writing: Food for Thought

I have been writing on a daily basis for several months now. I started just writing a journal and progressed into publishing a blog. I have found writing to be very helpful for me to better process my beliefs, thoughts and emotions. I believe writing to be good therapy.

As you write you relate that which is on your heart to your thinking mind. You get in touch and express things that might otherwise have internalized. Self expression in any form is a great way to manage stress created in your life. I believe being a writer is like having an open window to your soul.

There are many great resources on the internet to help you get started with your writing process. Search writing or journaling prompts and you will find endless sources of writing material. A prompt is a question or a sentence to start a writing session from. You can write on a wide variety of topics. These include daily activities as well as past experiences and hopes for the future.

Writing is not just therapeutic. It also improves your mind. Writing engages your mind and with practice will make you smarter. I believe that in the time since I started writing I have become more articulate. I can better express myself through the use of language either in writing or speaking.

Work Hard and Play Hard

I was out on a walk with a friend. The talk got to be a little philosophical. He said he believed life was about autonomy and mastery. I didn't say anything at the time but I disagreed. I thought about what he had said for some time. I came up with a response and told him I thought life was all about perseverance.

I have since then considered getting a perseverance tattoo on my forearm. I do not yet have any tattoos. In order to get this tattoo I decided I wanted an equally meaningful word on my other forearm. I wanted this word to reflect my light hearted self.

I have yet to decide what other word I want for a tattoo. I have thought of happiness, joyfulness and laughter. If I go ahead and get the tattoos I will probably choose one of those three.

I did not just write this article to tell you about tattoos I want to get. I wanted to share with you a little personal wisdom. Life is hard and you have to work hard to get ahead. Still, we could all use a little happiness, joyfulness and laughter in our lives to lighten our hearts. Work hard and play hard.

Lessons In Life and Disillusionment

I had a life I was happy with at one time. I was fresh out of high school and following my passion. I was a ski instructor. I had a carefree attitude which led me to believe that all I wanted to do was enjoy life.

This was a long time ago now. My life since then has mostly been consumed by my mental illness and recovery. Schizophrenia has had a devastating affect on the quality of my life. Through recovery and having schizophrenia I have also developed into a more significant human being. I have a voice. I have a purpose.

Now I must reclaim what is rightfully mine. That is a meaningful life that brings me happiness. It will not be the same life as I once lived. The recovery process has changed me too much. Inside me there is something that has been awakened that once was asleep.

I once went through life obliviously carefree. My struggles have given me consciousness I never had when I was young. This is the essence of the human experience in it's rawest form. We go through life blind; because we can't see we stumble and fall. We continue on like this until light shines down on the path we follow. We become free of illusion.

It is then our consciousness can guide us. This state of disillusionment comes with a steep price. It will however serve you. You will be capable to understand hurt in a way you couldn't before. With that comes empathy and with that sharing and advocacy. In your awakened state you can choose to live a more purposeful life. You have grown and can see your world in a new light.

My Experience With Paranoia

I have suffered form severe paranoia in my life. I believed that I had a certain destiny. If I failed to fulfill my destiny, I believed I would be tortured. In my mind my destiny was to spend the rest of my life in jail. I had a delusion in which I believed I had fought in every war in history. I believed I had been reincarnating, serving in the military only to spend the rest of my life in jail every one of my life times.

I was unsure of how much time I had before I had to fulfill my destiny, before I would be tortured. There were times when I was not terribly concerned by my impending doom. They would always give way to that my paranoia was stronger and more pronounced. These times were often triggered by low self-esteem or added stress.

One occasion prior to being diagnosed I drove far away from home. I thought that there was a specific jail in which I would be the safest. I assaulted a police officer and appeared in court a day or two later. I could have received I believe probation for the charge but argued for myself to be incarcerated. The judge granted me what I asked for; I did 4 months for the assault.

I believed that there was a government conspiracy against me. I thought that once I got myself put in jail that I would never be released. I thought I would be safe. I of course did not spend the rest of my life in jail and there is no conspiracy against me.

Since that time I have unsuccessfully attempted to get put in jail 3 other times. In all 3 of these times I intended to assault a police officer. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead of going to jail I received treatment. In 2 of these instances I went to the hospital. The other 1 of the 3 I went to a former group home for about a month. All three times my paranoia temporarily subsided. I was very private about my paranoia and delusion and as a result I didn't get the help I needed. No one knew what needed to be done or what I was going through.

I finally snapped under the pressure. The paranoia was the worst it had ever been. I had a sense of urgency around making myself safe. I committed a major offense. I got myself arrested and this time faced 2 to 10 years in prison. I was eventually found not to be competent to stand trial. I was released to the Vermont State Hospital.

The event for which I was incarcerated was on June 27th of 2011. I have received great support in my recovery since then. I no longer believe I will ever be tortured. I don't believe that I have reincarnated to fulfill a certain destiny and don't think there is a government conspiracy against me either. My journey of recovery has been tremendously difficult. I strive to share my story with others in recovery and I hope that my story will be helpful to people that I share it with.

Moving Out

Yesterday I looked at what is more than likely going to be my new residence. I will be leaving the group home I currently live in about 2 weeks from now. This new place is a house in which I will have a small room. The location is good and it is affordable.

I will go to the housing trust that I will be renting the room from on Monday. I have to give them $50 so that they will hold the room for me. I tried to give them the $50 yesterday after they showed me the room; however I didn't have it on me and when I got to the office they were closed. I'm still pretty sure I'll get the room. My rent will be $350/month.

My entire income comes from social security. It amounts to $770/month. I will be able to get food stamps before I leave Meadowview. I will also make use of the community meals here in Brattleboro. There is a food shelf I can go to and I will make use of that.

I believe I am determined enough to make the most of this new opportunity. I welcome the challenges that come with the step I am taking. I look forward to growing from these challenges and feel blessed to be in a position where I can grow.

Fishing and Lessons Learned in The Process

Fishing is a pastime I enjoy. I started fishing when I was a boy. I have fished on and off since then. I fly fish now, but used spin cast tackle growing up. I am not a great fisherman. I have been out many times and not caught anything. I do like standing on a shore looking over the water, attempting to be quiet and still.

There are many different methods of catching fish. There is live bait that you put on a hook. The bait is commonly worms but can be small fish as well. There are also artificial lures and flies. These come in many varieties. They are meant to imitate foods naturally found in the fishes habitat.

In fly fishing there are dry flies that float and wet flies that sink. You use wet flies with sinking line to fish the bottom of a stream or lake. There is also floating line for which you use dry flies and fish the water's surface. I believe the common perception of fly fishing is with dry flies in a trout stream.

I fish lakes and streams with my fly rod. I catch bass and trout amongst other fishes. I enjoy fishing for all types of fish. My favorite fish to catch is a rainbow trout. They are quite beautiful.

The most rainbows I ever caught over an extended period of time was when I was 22. This was when I first really got into fly fishing. I had a fly rod from age 12 but didn't know how to use it well. That summer I got a book on fly fishing. I studied and fished several times a week. I did my fishing in a small stream right in the middle of town. I waded in the stream fly casting in a pair of running shoes. I didn't wear waders and I purchased my flies at a hardware store. The rod I used was the same rod as I had when I was 12. It truly was simplicity at its finest. 

Years later I decided to pick up fly fishing again. This time I thought I should get all the equipment I thought I needed. I purchased waders and a new rod. I got my flies tied by a fishing guide in the area. I spent hundreds on all of this. I believe I caught one trout that year.

I like my new rod. I also have fond memories of just fishing in a stream wearing running shoes. I believe things can be a lot simpler than what we often make them out to be. I have learned that making use of what you have can be just as rewarding as getting what you want.

Hallucination

One symptom of schizophrenia that I have experienced is hallucination. I do not know how the brain can affect what a person perceives; I can share my experience of hallucinating.

When I was delusional I believed that I was a genius. My "memories" included having won 3 Pulitzer prizes when I was 21. These prizes I received were for a book I wrote, scientific theory and politics. I also believed that I became seriously brain damaged shortly after receiving these Pulitzer prizes.

One of my delusional thoughts I had was that I had a rat in my brain. I believed someone had unscrewed the top of my skull and put a rat in there. This left me unable to continue functioning on the level I did when I was younger. It explained to me why I could no longer write books or develop scientific theory.

When I was 27 I was admitted to a psych hospital. The doctor at the hospital ordered a cat scan. I asked to see the picture of my brain after the CAT scan was finished. Just as I expected I saw a rat skeleton in the picture.

Years later I still was delusional. I reminded myself in times that I had doubt about my delusions that I saw the rat in my brain. This reassured me that I had been a genius and that I wasn't crazy. This experience perpetuated my disbelief that I had schizophrenia.

Phases of Recovery

In a support group I am attending right now we have been talking about phases of recovery. I thought I would like to share a little of what I learned in this group in this article. I will try to relate the information I have to my personal experiences.

The first of the phases in recovery is shock. Shock comes at the time of on-set. This on-set can happen over time or at a specific point in time. It is in my opinion that it is not yet understood what the implications of having a mental illness are. I did not know what schizophrenia was when I was diagnosed. I didn't know what the recovery process would be like either.

The next phase of recovery is denial. Denial can manifest its self in a number of ways. When you are diagnosed, you may not believe that you even have a mental illness, or you may not believe what the implications of having an illness are. I personally felt that doctors could not explain my personal experiences by attaching a label like schizophrenia to it. I could not accept that I was delusional and I did not know how much it would take to recover.

Depression is another phase in recovery. It is the next step after denial. The recovery process is not linear. It is my experience that you may not go directly from denial to depression. The two may coincide as well. I went through a grieving process in my recovery, but not to the extent of the denial phase of my recovery.

The next phase along the route to recovery is anger. I was still delusional during my anger phase. I was angry at people who I thought had wronged me. I believed that I was oppressed and was angry at the government, mostly. It is important to manage your anger properly, to seek support where and when you can.

After anger is acceptance and hopefulness. They say acceptance is a result of the depression phase of recovery. Hopefulness can be assisted by others who support us, but also by small steps made toward have a positive self image. These small steps might include making friends or exercising. The hopefulness a person develops in recovery builds slowly and can be fragile.

Coping is the second to last phase of recovery. It is closely related to acceptance. You accept who you are, complete with your imperfections. I believe I still have a foot in this phase of recovery. I am still grappling with and accepting my limitations. I sometimes set unrealistic goals for myself. When I realize I can't meet them I have to cope.

The last stage of recovery is advocacy and empowerment. I recently have stepped forward into this stage of recovery. It is exciting yet is something new. It doesn't mean your process is over. In this phase of recovery symptom management is more likely. You have the necessary experience to know what to do when times are hard. You also can share with others offering them hope in their own recovery. This is what I attempt to do with Breathe. You have grown sufficiently by this stage in recovery to feel empowered by the experience.

Confident: In Who I Am

I went to a coffee shop today. There are a number of people who frequent this coffee shop (Mocha Joe's) that like to play chess. I met up with one of them. He sat down at my table and we talked a little about how frequently we had been playing. In explaining that I had not been playing a whole lot, I told him that I had been writing quite a bit lately. I told him that I had a blog. He asked what the topic of the blog was and I said mental health and recovery.

In times past I have been embarrassed to tell people that I have a mental illness. I did not go out and say to my chess buddy that I suffered from schizophrenia, but I am pretty sure he got it. Later that day I participated in a support group. I announced what I had done to the group.

The topic of the group was what recovery means to us. We went over quotes of what others said recovery was to them. We also added our own. I said "recovery is gaining confidence in who I am." I feel like I have not been confident enough in who I was to share that I have a mental illness in times past. Today I felt differently and am proud I took that step.