Post Diagnosis Until Now: My Story of Recovery

This article is the second part of my three part essay summarizing my experiences with Schizophrenia. It will cover the span of time from my diagnosis until now. My diagnosis came immediately after a suicide attempt. I have since then journeyed towards recovery along a windy road.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in September of 2007 at the Fletcher Allen Hospital in Burlington, VT. It wasn't long after my diagnosis that I was allowed to leave the hospital to go to an out patient program. I was medicated at this time but schizophrenia still had a major grip on me. I was still suicidal. I was going to commit suicide while in the out patient program by jumping off a cliff. Fortunately, I tried doing this at night and could not find my way to the cliff in the dark. I did not stay in the outpatient program for very long. I moved down to Castleton, VT to live in a private group home where I could receive treatment.

I lived in Castleton for 2 1/2 years. I did well in that program. I made friends and was very active. It was in Castleton that I learned how to play chess. I also did my first century ride while I was there. I did this in addition to doing the work program that was offered. The work program at 47 Main St. in Castleton consisted of some chores like cleaning and cooking. It also offered a significant amount of carpentry. The director of 47 Main St. had a large plot of land and the residents of the program built a sugar house on it.

I was in denial about my mental illness for the duration of my stay at 47 Main St. I tried telling both the psychiatrist and my peers of my military service. I never served but believed I had been a general since the age of 14. I was fairly ambiguous about my service, not mentioning that I had been a general. I had never mentioned anything about the belief that I had been in the military to anyone ever before. The things I expressed about my service were met with some resistance by my peers. They questioned me about things I said and expressed that they didn't believe me. I believe that this was a stepping stone to my eventual realization that I was delusional.

I still believed that I had experiences in life that were quite extraordinary. I thought that I was quite famous and although I wasn't a household name, the people in the world that did know of me regarded those that didn't as being ignorant. This made it quite easy for me to write off anyone that didn't accept the things I told them about myself. While in Castleton however I did some reality testing. I researched things that pertained to my "delusions" on the internet. I specifically remember looking up on my computer the name of a martial arts grand master. I believed that this man had taught me martial arts. I found out that he was not even alive in my lifetime.

Although for the most part I was much better while I was at 47 Main St. than I had been; I had moments in which I wasn't at my best. One time I seriously considered suicide. Another time I went to the hospital. This hospitalization came after a month of not sleeping well. My stress levels were heightened and fed my paranoia. I checked into the hospital and was checked out before very long. Nothing was really accomplished while I was there. I remember in the final meeting with the doctor, case manager and director of 47 Main St. that the doctors did not understand anything I tried to communicate to them while I was there. It was very frustrating.

I left the hospital and went back to 47 Main St. and before long, graduated from the program. The director at 47 Main St. told me that in order to graduate from his program I had to get occupational training. I chose to go to a bike mechanic school out in Colorado Springs. The program there was three weeks long and I came back to Vermont with new skills and knowledge. I considered continuing living in Castleton and opening my own bike shop. The owner of the building I was in told me that they intended to tear down the garage I wanted to have my shop in. I abruptly left the Castleton area to go back to my parent's home.

In the spring of 2010 I began working at two bike shops. One of them was a non-profit in Burlington and the other was owned by a friend of the family. I was a volunteer at the non-profit but I got paid at the other shop, although not very much. Nevertheless I was developing my skills as a bike mechanic. I would eventually work at a shop down in Miami, Florida. I will get to that later.

All seemed well at first when I came back home from Castleton. My symptoms of schizophrenia were manageable and I was for the most part happy. I began slipping however. That summer I again had a period of time in which I didn't sleep. This lasted for about a month just like the first time and again I went to the hospital. My symptoms peaked and were unmanageable. I was once again discharged from the hospital without much being accomplished. They didn't even re-evaluate the medications I was taking.

In late autumn I moved to Miami, where there was an opening at a bike shop. I had a horrible time in Miami. I was spending way too much money all the time. I ate out often- at times 3 meals a day. I also got my $1300 bicycle stolen. My stay in Miami didn't last long. I was not performing as well as my boss would have liked. It was a fast paced work environment and I had trouble keeping up. I think that this could be attributed in part to the fact that I was not taking meds, sometime for three days at a time. Feeling defeated, I moved back home to Vermont in the first part of that winter.

I did not have much going on that would help me function my best that winter. I wasn't seeing a psychiatrist and I wasn't going to groups. I was beginning to unravel. Towards the end of the winter I went back to Colorado Springs to learn how to service bicycle suspension systems. I did not get on the plane to go back home from Colorado because I was having an episode. I called home and with the support of my family I got on a plane the next day.

When I got back to Vermont from Colorado I went to 47 Main St. to try to get back to being my best. I stayed at 47 Main St. until the bike shop I worked at opened up. This was about a month. The time in Castleton helped but I still had major problems that were not addressed. That summer I had a major crisis that landed me in jail.

On June 27th of 2011, I was arrested and put in jail. I would stay in jail until I was found by a court to not be competent to stand trial. I was then shipped to the Vermont State Hospital. I would only stay there until tropical storm Irene came and flooded us out. I was evacuated and brought to the Brattleboro Retreat in southern Vermont.

I stayed at the Brattleboro Retreat from August 28th to December 9th. In that time my doctor had me take a written evaluation. In doing this he was able to better diagnose me as having paranoid schizophrenia. Prior to that, I was labeled as having undifferentiated schizophrenia. My meds were also changed. I started back on Zyprexa instead of Abilify. Unfortunately I also gained 40 pounds while I was in the Brattleboro Retreat. I left the retreat overweight for the first time in my life.

I left the retreat in the last part of 2011 to come Meadowview Recovery Residence where I currently reside. Since coming to Meadowview I have made a lot of progress. I lost a significant amount of weight and I quit smoking. My physical health is the best it has been in a long time. I have educated myself on schizophrenia and have finally accepted that I experience symptoms of this disease. I am no longer delusional. I have started volunteering as a peer recovery specialist. This may be a career path for me in the future. I have also started to take an interest in writing. Meadowview has given me treatment for my illness, support and hope. I am going to be leaving Meadowview before very long. I feel more prepared than ever for maintaining my health and wellbeing.