Warning Signs

Warning Signs

 

I have been to psych hospitals 4 different times. These were times in which my illness became too much for me to handle. Now that my illness is in remission and I have gained some perspective I believe I can communicate my feelings and actions in these times. What I did wrong that landed me in the hospital and why I did not handle things as I now see I could have.

I will start off with why I did not handle things how I should have. The first of these reasons was denial. I did not identify with my diagnosis. I believe it is hard to accept that experiences you have had and are currently having in life are merely symptoms of an illness. It only makes things worse that no doctor even told me what the symptoms of my illness may be. This issue is huge and will be addressed in another article.

Another aspect to my condition that made it hard to communicate how I was feeling was my delusion. I believe delusion is so powerful because when I was delusional I felt so alone. That was because I believed that I had experiences in my life that no one else knew about. Naturally as they never happened no one could have known. Maybe this feeling of being alone leads to isolation; which is often a problem for those dealing with mental illness.

Pride also kept me from speaking to someone about the issues I was having. I felt as if things weren't right however I also felt as if I could handle them on my own. Having pride in regards to how you deal with mental illness may be the biggest mistake you can make. Even writing this article I am reminded that I must be humble.

The delusion I was experiencing fed paranoia. I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about my problems because if I did it would impair my ability to stay safe. This is another powerful ingredient in the mental illness concoction. There may be no greater motivating force known to man than fear. If this fear is motivation you to do the wrong thing it can be next to impossible to avert crisis.

I have digressed. I still would like to share of my experiences with going to hospital. When I am not my best I get distracted by my delusion. I am in such a state of mind that I can not concentrate well enough to read or drive a car. A while before the last time I was hospitalized I ran two red lights in the span of maybe two weeks. One of these times resulted in an accident. I was also becoming very reclusive. I believe I was too distracted by my delusion to spend time interacting with anyone. I remember one time in a martial arts dojo; while everyone was warming up to prepare for class, I was sitting there talking to myself. If I had stopped right there and decided to get help a major crisis could have been averted.